I wake up in the morning to my alarm. I set it each night with 10-20 minutes or so to spare, just in case I can’t get out of bed.
I’m foolish, because I end up snoozing. At least thirty minutes past time.
I miss my shower. My workout.
Why am I sabotaging myself?
Maybe I’m too hard on myself. Or maybe not hard enough.
Sometimes I can’t decide.
Yes, each evening I make a schedule for the next day. I feel that structure helps me. I write out exercise, shower, breakfast, med time daily. And most days out of the week the past year or so, I skip many of these essential morning activities.
I ask myself why.
Sometimes I think it’s because I am dreading the day ahead. My anxiety and depression is too much to handle while I’m under the covers at 7 am.
Other times I think I’m just too tired from the day before. Maybe my bipolar is catching up with me and I need the extra rest.
I seriously don’t know whether to give myself a pat on the back or a slap on the butt.
Often, on the drive to work, with my dirty hair put up in a bun and an anxious body in my seat, I wish I would have woken up earlier. It wouldn’t have been so bad, I say to myself. You would feel better.
And sometimes I believe that. Sometimes I don’t.
I haven’t got far enough in an exercise plan or a morning medicine regimen to even know whether I’d feel better.
I lied. Yes I have. I know I would feel better if I do these things.
Then why am I fighting it?
I have also asked myself this many times.
I don’t know why anyone in the world would not do something that is good for them. Especially if they have evidence that it is good for them.
I don’t have any evidence for any of the negative, obsessive thoughts I have, and yet I believe them as if they were told to me by God.
When it comes to showers, or a yoga session, though, I am looking for a reason why I need to do it.
I feel lazy. Sometimes I feel that I’ve been too worn out by the worrying and obsessing and I need to just give up the structure for a day or two. See what happens when I don’t give myself so many expectations to live up to.
Sometimes in life you don’t know whether to keep fighting or to let yourself float.
Do you feel you have any limitations when it comes to self-care or health? How about treatment? How do you fight this?