If I could rate how I feel physically on a scale of 1-10 most days out of the week, I’d be at a three or four.
Except for slightly high blood sugar likely due to medication, my blood work has never shown any reason to be concerned about my health.
Today, though, as I worked through my fifth hour at the office, I noticed that my symptoms of fatigue are starting to become more than I can manage. There, at my desk, I started to shut down. My energy was zapped, my muscles were tight, and I found it hard to focus.
I didn’t like feeling that way, and I couldn’t shake it. It isn’t the first time, and it’s becoming more of the norm.
I’m tired of being tired. I know that’s a cliché, but that’s exactly how I feel.
It’s more than tired, it’s nauseating, it’s thirsty, it’s borderline lethargic at times.
I’ve been doing my research, and I know there are a lot of things I could do—eat better, exercise more, take vitamins.
Am I sick? Is it an episode of bipolar depression?
My depression continues to elude me after 12 years of taking psychiatric medications. I don’t know if I’ve been continually depressed for the last few years or so, or if I experience moments of a “normal” mood with depression ensuing again soon after. To be honest, there’s some hypomania mixed in there as well.
Needless to say, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for five years and I can’t even keep my moods straight. I have a mood chart, and I try to pay a lot of attention to how I’m feeling—but when I look at the big picture, I have never been able to figure out what is going on with me.
I wonder if anyone feels the same.
Most of the time, lately, I’ve been feeling positive and relatively upbeat, but my energy level is extremely low. I feel hopeful, like there are good things going on in my life, but physically, I’m not matching.
I wonder if it’s the weight I need to lose.
Or maybe there’s a different way to treat my bipolar. I’m taking mood stabilizers and an anti-depressant and I can’t imagine what else I would add into the mix.
It’s just getting old, and I’m tired of asking my psychiatrist and my therapist what I can do to make me feel differently.
It’s always the same.
It’s like I’m stuck in a cycle of feeling down about my situation, not doing anything about my situation, and then once again feeling down because I’m not doing anything.
I told myself last night I would do yoga this morning. I woke up with a migraine and that didn’t work out. I am going to try again tomorrow. I hope that these small steps, exercise, eating a little bit healthier, and trying to reduce the anxiety and stress will help most of my symptoms.
I don’t know if it’s going to work. And I don’t know if I should feel concerned or that I’m being paranoid.
It’s just a number of the questions I have about bipolar that I feel are never answered. I just tuck them away, hoping that I’m just fine, just like everybody else, that I don’t have to worry extra.
I thought back to a few years ago when I had the energy to run around like a confused squirrel on a suburban street.
I miss having a breath of life rush through me.
Things were different before I really became sick with bipolar. And I try to get back to the time before that. I don’t know if it’s possible.
So I worry about the energy, but it’s actually that I’m worried about everything. I worry about the energy because the bipolar worries me, but I also worry about the energy because I want to live a life where I can get up in the morning and not feel like a zombie.
I want to be able to play sports again, kayak again, jump up and down in the air with excitement.
I’m wondering what I have to do, physically and mentally, to get back to that point.