I’ve been dealing with and talking about my depressive episode for months, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of experiencing it and I’m tired of talking about it. The problem is, I can’t escape from it. I can say I’m tired of it all I want to, but the reality is that I’m stuck with it until my brain decides that I can be well again. Unfortunately, that is unpredictable. I try to make the best of it by pushing myself to be the best I can and accepting small victories. Today, I’m just tired. Tired of all of it.
I’m tired of being tired.
Fatigue is one of the major symptoms of depression. This is not just feeling drowsy. It’s utter exhaustion, often without any other reason than it’s just part of depression. I’m not just physically exhausted, I’m emotionally exhausted.
I’m tired of needing help.
I need help with most everything, a lot of it related to my exhaustion. I need extra help getting everything done around the house. I need help making decisions and making sure my family is taken care of. I hate that I feel as though I’ve lost my independence because I rely so much on others. I’m tired of needing them to understand what I’m going through.
I’m tired of feeling guilty and ashamed.
I feel guilty for needing help. I feel ashamed that I cannot accomplish what would otherwise be simple tasks. I’m tired of needing to have my slack picked up by others. I’m ashamed that my current life is little more than merely existing. Even when my needs are met with empathy and understanding, I feel like less of a person. It makes me ashamed of myself and my disorder. I really hate that feeling.
I’m tired of my routine.
It’s been months since I’ve experienced the “normal” routine of the life I enjoy. I don’t spend a lot of time with other people. I don’t travel as much. I don’t read as much. I don’t go to the gym. My house isn’t as clean and I feel like my work is subpar. Because of my fatigue and loss of interest, my life now mostly revolves around which series I will stream next, when I will take a nap and when my next psychiatrist appointment is.
I’m tired of isolating myself.
There are a number of reasons why I isolate myself when I’m depressed. I’ve lost interest in activities and relationships. I’m often too exhausted to go anywhere. Sometimes I just can’t handle the social pressure of being around people. I have to pretend that I’m normal, which takes a lot. I also don’t want to bring everyone down with me or have to be taken care of in a social setting.
I’m tired of medication changes that don’t work.
I take my medication on time, every day, so I can’t blame my current situation on a lack of compliance. Also, the first action I took when feeling depressed for more than a week or so was call my psychiatrist for an evaluation. She has made a couple of different medication changes, but they haven’t worked. I’m tired of not being able to find a treatment that works.
It’s okay for me to be tired, but the reality of the situation is that I have to keep going no matter how tired I get. I have to continue to rely on others. I have to push myself out of isolation. I have to keep seeking more effective treatment. It may seem like I’ve given up, but I’m really still fighting.
Image credit: Jeff M for Short