This post does have mentions of suicide in passing, be careful if you are vulnerable.
I never thought I would make it to 2020. I have struggled with the symptoms of bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember, despite only having a name to what I was going through since a few years ago.
Untreated bipolar disorder
When my bipolar was untreated and I had no idea what was going on, I went through some of the greatest times of suffering in my life. When I was younger, particularly in my teens and early twenties, I was constantly in a state of either severe depression or hypomania, and my life was out of control. I was suicidal the majority of the time. I self-harmed almost daily and there were regular suicide attempts. One of them in particular almost resulted in me not being here at all.
Stability and happiness
I only became stable when I finally got my diagnosis and the help I needed later on, in my mid-twenties. Now I am so happy in my life. I am stable for longer periods than I ever thought was possible. I have more control over my moods and emotions than I thought I could. I am happier than I ever knew I could be. I have an amazing home, husband and job. I am thriving not just surviving. I could never have imagined I would make it here.
A sense of surrealness
When I was going through all of those hard times, I never thought I would see my thirties, never mind be about to turn 33! Even if I ever dreamt briefly about my future, I never imagined how amazing my life could be, that I would be truly happy!
So this new years eve, I had this strange feeling of extreme gratefulness mixed with a sense of surrealness. I spent new years eve with my wonderful husband and our animals at home, and when midnight came, I had a smile on my face thinking of how far I’ve come. I almost felt overwhelmed that the year is 2020, and here I am, standing strong and still going. I’m not sure why it hit me more this year than it has others, but I keep catching myself feeling amazed that I made it to 2020! I am oh so glad that I did!
So if you’re out there and you’re struggling, please know that things really can get better. They even get amazing! Please don’t give up on yourself, your life and what your future could be like. You never know what joys and happiness could be ahead.