In an earlier post, I wrote about my experience with hallucinations. I have had more recently. I hate them. They are scary and make me feel crazy.
The beginning of the year was rough. I had a horrible visual and auditory hallucination. I believed there was a blue Devil behind me. He kept telling me he was going to kill me. I am a Christian so I called my Pastor. I called the phone number for my psychiatrist’s practice and was called back by a psychiatrist on duty and a licensed social worker. They helped to calm my down, but it took hours before the Devil left me.
I also have experienced tactile hallucinations. A hot pocket turned into a hot sandwich and the ham turned into fingers when I bit into it. I have not eaten a Hot Pocket since the finger instance. I know, I know, it seems silly, but that afternoon’s hallucination is burned in my brain.
“Elaina. Elaina. Elaina. Elaina.” A few months ago I started hearing voices. Originally, I heard a woman’s voice calling my name over and over like a mantra. It got so loud in my head that I could not function properly. Looking back, they do not seem as bad as it would get.
I started to hear the ‘radio people’ again. It is sometimes likened to a cafeteria. To me, it is like someone has a radio on that I can hear in the distance. I am unable to distinguish what exactly is being said. I have never been able to grab words – it is too far away, but it is constant noise. Sometimes I came out of my house to see if what I was hearing was real or not.
I never found the source so I could not discount it.
The scariest reoccurring auditory hallucination was the voice of a mean male. He would yell my name and, like the other voices, tell me that I was a whore and a slut and a bitch. I couldn’t be further than the descriptions with which he poisoned my psyche. He told me to kill myself unrelentingly. It is so hard to carry on a conversation with someone who is actually real when there is a booming voice in my head yelling, slinging insults at me.
I spoke with my psych doctor about all the voices and noise that had taken up residence in my head. He put me on a heavy duty antipsychotic. It is usually used to treat schizophrenia. We played with dosages and for now it seems to be keeping things quiet up there.
It is weird the tricks your mind can play on you. I mean, I have had all manners of hallucinations and it is always a constant battle to keep them in check. Is that noise real? Is the refrigerator telling me to kill myself right or is it just usual appliance noise?
The only thing I have found that helps me cope when the voices won’t go away, is to watch television or a movie. I believe this is because it is taking two senses – auditory and visual. Now, I know I can’t always do this, but if I am having hallucinations and I can, I do. Luckily, it is not as bad as it was. Medicine has helped so much and therapy does too. If you are in the same boat when it comes to hallucinations, or rather have other ways they have manifested, it is a good thing to talk to your psych doctor, he may be able to help. It is nice to have a head free of swirling accusations and suicidal demands. Find what works for you because you are not crazy, you are mentally ill.