My birthday was earlier this week. I do not feel good at thirty nine. To me, thirty nine is just a step away from forty and I do not want to turn forty, maybe I should try to cram every little bit of life into the this year like it is the last. Birthdays are not big milestones for me. For me, I put more emphasis on my first suicide attempt in early October.
But for you, for all those of you, dear readers, like’s act like this year mattered. I put up hundreds blogs, some onto what I already had and some fresh verbage. It is not easy to come up with fresh content twice a week, after week, but there is nothing I would be doing. It makes my challenges worthwhile. Sometimes I too throw up my arms look up to the heavens and wonder why everything sucks sometimes. Why isn’t my book selling? Why is my dog dying of cancer? There are just so many questions and not enough answers. Sometimes I want to be seven again and I am crying because I do not want to turn eight (true story). I knew it was not going to be easy to grow up and it has not been. But my Higher Power needs me to help you. Sometime you just sit back and observe the mess I make. That is okay. Really. Without the messes we would all go a little crazy. (and yes, I earned the right to say ‘crazy’).
I have tried to off myself four times in 12 years but I think we have something figured out a bit of it. For anyone close to me, and even you, dear reader, suicide attempts get old pretty damn fast. Thus I have found ways to make it harder to try and stand by when my mind is jonesing for a break. I still have no knives in my place. Butter knives only. Try explaining that to a guy who comes over to cook. I have a plan in place if I ever feel suicidal, but just a few nights ago no one answered when I called. Oh well for “I will be there if you need to talk to someone?” I know bystanders mean well, but do not make false problems.
But back to the chemicals. I originally changed psychiatrists so that I could see a medical doctor who could prescribe C. started taking some away and then there was a certain overload of pills he had to deal with, but still no C. A year after I started, he suggested C. Umm, did I not already ask for that???Anyway, they do not take lightly to using this medication. I have to have a blood test every week to check my white blood cell count. This past test something was out of wack so I am going to have to go see my primary care physician. Yeah. There are a lot of jumping through hoops but if it is helping, me and C will remain good friends.
So let’s make a few proclamations for the coming year. I am going to start and finish writing a chic lit novel. Find myself a boyfriend who is a gentleman and a guy’s guy. See, the problem is that the men in my family (extended included) are all well mannered and taught me how a woman should be treated. I have not made the best choices before and need to have learned from them before I go flying onto someone else’s radar. And, of course, keep posting for you, dear reader.