I have been dumped.
Sigh. I was not in love or anything, but it still stings. He had become a good friend, a fun kisser, and doled out big hugs in spades. It was nice to belong to someone else. I liked having a man to call mine. The stinky thing was that “ghosted” me. He just stopped calling, returning calls, no returned texts – like a ghost, like he was never there at all.
So, now I feel like a big chump for having given him my time and my emotions. I guess we all make mistakes, right? Sometimes we choose the wrong person. Sometimes we squirrels hide our nut in plain site and another squirrel steals it. Being dumped without a big fight is hard. I do not know what to blame – did I have too many anxiety moments, was my house too messy, was I too expensive??? I will never know, reasons got carted out with the ghost.
I believe that those of us with living with bipolar disorder feel things with a stronger intensity than people who live without mental illness. So, my feeling down is like dirt underfoot. I do not get to be wood or laminate or carpet, no, dirt. I feel, extreme low. I feel like I have no one to talk to because I do not want to bring anyone down. Do you feel like that sometime? Like you are a burden on others? I get this a lot. I know a lot of you out there are worried about this, about burdening others. But we are not a burden. Those people who care about us are resilient. They may not have all the answers but they can offer a shoulder for us to cry on.
Today was a dark day, perfect for brooding, a good day to stay in bed. But when you are a slave to then “what ifs” and “maybes” it is not such a fantastic day. It is pouring rain outside with flood warnings lighting up my phone (I told you, perfect day for brooding). I am going to attempt to get in touch with someone who will tell me I am better off or that guys suck or that I deserve better. you know, all the stuff a lady needs to hear when a relationship ends.
There are always things you can still see after a breakup, things we did not have to live with like huge burps or the fact that he likes the dumbest television shows. I was not going to marry him so it is a good thing he cut it off,(even if he went about it a horrible way). More room for someone. Not Mr. Right Now, but Mr. Right.
I am going to allow myself to be sad for a bit because if I do not then these feelings will erupt somewhere inappropriate. I guess I wanted to type this all this for you because, as always, I did not want you to feel alone. It is okay to question a relationship, even friendships, and it is okay to grieve the person missing in your life. Who you allow to leave your life are all decisions you get to make. I am looking forward to a new man even if I take a break for a while. No rebounds. Remember who loves you more than most – yourself. Take time. Only let those that are worthy into your life.