(Spoiler alert) If you haven’t seen ‘A Star is Born,’ read no further. I am going to ruin it for you and then you will be mad at me. So, this is your last warning. Come back after you have seen the film, which I highly recommend.
A Star is Born is a beautiful movie full of love and angst. There is a lot of self-medicated drinking and drug use on the part of Jackson (Bradley Cooper). At one point, while in rehab he tells a counselor that he tried to hang himself as a young adolescent and because it did not work, no one noticed. No one could see his pain, his depression, which made me sad. As a young adolescent myself I had made a plan to kill myself during a depression. That was back in the days when depression was the only diagnosis I would have had – before bipolar disorder and any manic symptoms. I could totally identify with his thought and behavior surrounding his early teens.
At the end of the movie, Jackson kills himself by hanging himself in the garage. I balled. It was so sad. His girlfriend Ally (Lady Gaga) is destroyed. She breaks things. She cries. She longs. She grieves.
This post is not about the movie but rather about the people we leave behind after we have done the deed, after we have killed ourselves. It is easy to think that no one will care or that they will be better off. Maybe you are so numb with depression you can’t even imagine anybody else. Pets, people, mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, friends – they will all be affected if such a tragedy were to occur.
I have been on five Out of the Darkness walks put on by the American Suicide Prevention Association. Hundreds of people come to these walks to remember those that took their own lives and died way too soon. It is the saddest event I go to all year, but I have to go. I have to raise money so more awareness can be shared. Knowledge is power, as they say.
I am not what they call a “survivor of suicide.” You are such if you have lost someone. I have nearly lost myself so I do not know what to call myself. Lucky? Stupid? I do not know. I just know these gatherings hurt. They put an ache in my soul that I can usually bury. I do not like to think of the times I have tried to off myself. It is too sad. There are times when I go against nature. Every bone in your body, every synapse in your brain is wired to keep yourself alive. That is the natural order of life or we would not be here. But sometimes I do not feel the urge to live anymore. I want to die and I do not care what kind of whiplash I get for this comment, I think it is selfish to those that love and care about me.
They deserve to have the right to call me, check up on me, visit me, even when I am at my worst. Yes, I suffer, but I always come out the other side, regardless of how long it takes. It always gets better. That is what I want you to take away from this post – it ALWAYS gets better, you just have to hang in there like the rest of us, because it hurts us so much if you go. You are meant to live a long, happy life. Bipolar disorder can steal some of that happiness away, but there are still sunshiny days every now and then. Hang in there, dear readers, I love you.