I literally just had to count the days since my last shower, it has been that long. I know, I am disgusting. It was last weekend sometime for sure. Today is Wednesday. I have not showered in half a week and if I did not have to go out to pick up a prescription and some odds and ends, I would probably not go any further than washing my face again tomorrow. I cannot say that brushing my teeth has been all that stellar either. If I am leaving the house I brush them in the morning. If I am staying home, I start to think, “Well, after my coffee. It stains anyway.” Then after the coffee and a phone call I forget for a bit until it becomes, “After I eat something.” Which does not happen. Pretty soon it is mid-afternoon and I have yet to wash my face or brush my teeth. Today it was after five o’clock that I got around to it. I am so busy, you know.
Yesterday I was in an isolation coma. I turned down the heat and stayed in bed. I did not answer phone calls. I slept most of the day except when I was brought back to consciousness by a ringing telephone or a dog asking me to go outside. I listened to some of the sleep playlists on Spotify (my new best friend). And there with a duvet, quilt and flannel sheets to surround me, I found my own little cocoon. I could forget all about how I was feeling, because despite my ongoing nightmares of over a month now, reality did not exist.
Why am I not taking care of myself, you want to know. Because I can’t. It takes too much effort. Effort I do not have. Have you any idea how long it takes to wash your face? Do you know the weight of a toothbrush? That of a boulder. And sweet goodness, even now I cannot think about the energy required to wash my hair and then condition it. Then I’d have to wash my face which, see above, we have already covered. Then we would have to wash all the bits and pieces. Shaving is simply out of the question. I can do pits but that is all I can agree to.
After I finish all that hub bub I will have to dry an entire body and head of hair. Luckily, my hair is cut short so drying does not take too long but the styling can be draining having my arms up in the air for so long.
All this is for what? So I can leave my house, one of very few places I feel safe. I have a bit of an agoraphobic tendency. But I believe when you go out you should not smell days ripe with oily hair. I like to have my makeup on to cover my acne. My therapist asked me if my makeup was a mask to the world, “Yes,” I answered. 9 times out of 10 I will look put together in a cute outfit, hair done, makeup done (deodorant on). But it a façade, simply a projection. It is a part I play very well.
The whole point of this very self involved rant is to tell you that I understand. I know why you CANNOT shower. I know why your kitchen is a disaster. I understand why your breath is not always minty fresh though you wish it were. Wouldn’t that help? To at least lay in the dark with a clean mouth. It is so hard living with bipolar disorder because one week you are here and the next you are up there, never knowing when and where you will be. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. On that note, I guess I will cut myself a tiny bit of slack too.