I am crazy. No, really, I am. That may offend you to hear me label myself as such but let’s call a spoon a spoon. I don’t live a baseline normal life. I am not looking for a life void of emotion – just, perhaps, a little less. Sometimes I get warning signs that I am about to go a little crazy, I want a single cigarette, other times I feel effervescent like the top of my head is coming off and I am bubbling into the air. (Rember. Crazy). Sometimes my sleep pattern is off.
Just today I started crying because I was getting older. I mean, come on, it happens to everyone. I can’t stop the clock. I was on a first date the other night and started talking about my aging dog and started tearing up. It was quite embarrassing.
(Dear Reader, I went to do a cut and paste and removed hundreds of words. I promise to finish this to he tomorrow. Stink)!
I’ve been on a couple first dates recently. Both went well. The second acted like he really liked me and gave me some times when he was available then he brushed me off. Not nice. Now, given my background, I began to catastrophize. What did I do to change his mind? What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough? Instead of just thinking.”Oh well, his loss., I think “Wny me??!!!” “What have I done wrong?” I think even the average person might feel that way, but I ruminate.
Andd when I am feeling good, boy oh boy, I feel good. I could fly to the heavens and back. I could run forever. I write late into the night because I don’t need sleep anymore. I spend money on frivolities. I talk too much. I drive too fast. All of it is too much. But I don’t realize it at the time. During mania, I just want to feel good, so I do.
The up and down of bipolar 1 is enough to drive this lady crazy. It is a maniacal roller coaster, throwing me here and there. And I grow tired of it sometimes, but hey, it makes me interesting right?
I also live with psychosis. Psychosis means believing in things that aren’t real. During psychosis a person may see, hear, feel, taste things that aren’t really real. While taking a shower once I believed the wall were covered in ants. Often I see rats. I was eating a hot pocket and the ham became human flesh. A psychotic episode can’t explain be explained because it is a break from reality. It makes you believe really strange thing are real and true.
When you add psychosis to bipolar 1 disorder it makes for an even harder illness to navigate, but it can be done and it can be done successfully. Accept the crazy and go from there.