It’s back. That dark monster that latches to my back puling me down, down, down. It seems like a few days ago I was “normal.” I was coasting on a smooth lake. Now there are capsize waves and crashing foam.
Now it’s dark pits that I just keep falling in to. It’s a pitch black night and I can’t see a thing so as I try to move forward, I find myself at the bottom of another pit. I call out for help, for anyone to find me, but no one comes. It is just me and this darkness. I am searching for even the smallest sliver of light so I can find my way out, but that is like looking for a star in an overcast, moonless night. Fruitless and hopeless.
I’ve been sleeping a lot – even more than usual. Yesterday, besides tending to the dogs, I stayed in bed until one. One o’clock in the afternoon. The night before I went to bed a little after seven. That is bullshit. Imagine all the things I could have accomplished yesterday morning had I not been overcome by depression. Mowing the yard. Hitting the gym. Meeting a friend for coffee. Writing this yesterday! But I just couldn’t, and I do mean that, I COULD NOT. It was as though I had no choice – lay in bed or lay in bed, so I took the latter of the two.
My psychiatrist and brother happen to believe the same thing: There is always a choice. Even when it seems completely hopeless, there is always a choice and fighting one of them is merely another one. I am not telling you, “Pull yourself by your bootstraps,” or any other nonsense. I am telling you to try. Try to get up in the morning. Take a crack at showering. Brush your teeth. Love your pets, then and only then, can you make the decision to waste your day away.
Depression is hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself. It isn’t the same as grief, nor is it the same as anger, though both can play a part. It is often chemicals in your head that are a bit wonky. These chemicals don’t seem to know how to dance with one another so they dance to their own tune. It is pour chaos there in your mind trying to make sense of a world you don’t think you belong in. This is why we hide and we make it hard and find excuses for others to not want to be around, seriously, who are you more delighted too (and smell) then a hygienic ElainaJ or one who hasn’t showered in the past 4 days.
I hate the “This too shall pass” sentiment. When you are depressed, as I have been many times in the past, you can’t see that sliver of light when you are down in the pit. All you know is hopelessness. I get it. Those of us with depression or bipolar disorder get it. No many how many times you through it, it sucks just the same.
I’ve noticed that as I have gotten older, my moods have intensified and the roller has become faster. I don’t want this, any of this, especially the depression parts during which I can barely roll over in my own bed.
I’d love to know some positive ways you deal with depression. Send them my way.