I often liken bipolar disorder to being on a roller coaster. One minute up. One minute down. It is so hard to traverse a life such as this. Every day I wake up unsure of who I will be – where my moods will take me; up, down, around and around, I go.
I explained in the past couple of blog posts how depression was sucking my soul and happiness away. Every morning for over three weeks I cried. There really wasn’t a major reason, sometimes there was no reason at all. I was just terribly sad and hopeless.
That is depression.
I talked to my therapist. I talked to my support system. I talked to my psychiatrist, and we made a tiny adjustment to an antidepressant that I am taking. Twenty milligrams instead of thirty. We were going to switch to another antidepressant altogether but the combination could cause heart palpitations. Nobody wants that. That is why we decided to just try a lower dose of my current antidepressant. If you are wondering why I take an antidepressant and live with bipolar disorder, it is because I also take mood stabilizers.
A few days after the dosage change, things felt different. As suddenly as they had begun, the morning tears stopped. Not entirely, their were still bad and sad days, but for the most part I felt like an entirely different person.
A woman who read my book told me to feel good, but not too good – not climbing on third story roofs good. Because sometimes when I bounce back from depression I surpass normal and go straight to mania. And let me tell you that no matter how amazing it can make me feel, in the end, it destroys things.
My mom mentioned today that I am spending a lot of money. I don’t agree, but I can see where she is coming from. Barnes & Noble, Wish.com, Kohl’s, coffees. It does add up and I am poor. I honestly live below the poverty level.
It is so strange how things change. A month ago I didn’t want to leave the house, I still don’t, but at least I can shower and put some curl lotion in my hair. Makeup is still a far cry from happening. But I am feeling better than I have in a month and for that I am thankful.
It is hard for me to remember when I am depressed that it always gets better. All I see is darkness and feel hopelessness. But that isn’t reality. Reality is, like every time before, things will get better. Sometimes this happens more quickly than others – a day, a week, a month, or maybe more. I have to remember that it does, in fact, get better. This is hard for me, very hard when things seem black.
So, don’t give up if you are feeling depressed. It does truly get better. You just have to hang in there until the tears stop and the light returns.