Most of us, especially those of us with mental illness, live inside our own heads. Sure, it can be problematic there, but it is safe. It is familiar. We spend a lot of time ruminating about what could have been “if only” we weren’t sick. We “what if” ourselves to death! This that and the other. You know what? It is , quite very, conceited. Who deserves to be thought for that length of time everyday, without someone taking a break.
Recently my mother’s had a major surgery on her leg. I was fine. I was fine until the day before, then I wasn’t so fine. My dad and I were going to the beach and I asked him to stop by a convenience store so I could get out of the car and breath. I did so and circled the car 5 times while he went inside. THen I was ok again. On the way home I heard a man singing, I opened my eyes and asked if it had ben him because it didn’t sound like him, “No, honey. Not me Why?” Later I saw a bear. Yep full grown mighty bear. As we approached safe in my dad’s pickup I realized it was just lumber fallen or stacked upon itself that was playing a trick of the on me.
By the time we got home I knew what was going on. I was having hallucinations. And this was not the right time to lose my shit. I staid outside after my dad went inside and began to cry. I called my psychiatrist and was patched through, I told him what I wrote above and specifically how I was feeling, like this was too much, like I didn’t think I could cope. We figured out a plan.
The next day I spoke with my therapist who called after getting the message the night before. She reminded me that I was capable and that my mother was capable too. She reminded me to take some time for me and be kind to myself as well as my mom.
I went into my therapist’s office Monday feeling very much like I didn’t want to be here, like on this earth, like existing. I was not suicidal. I just was tired and didn’t want to be here anymore. She began talking about my mother and in what ways I was helping and was it important etc. I knew the answers and clicked them out. She told me sometimes it is good to care for someone else. It drives you out of your own thoughts running around in your head instead leads you to care about yourself.
I have to tell you a little story and in no way is this run off saying I am a crazy religious person. Yesterday our paster stopped by just to see how my mom was doing. They chatted maybe 10 minutes and he said, “It is better to care for others. Gets us out of our own heads.” Guess some things are true.