I have found a GREAT new therapist. I mean she is fantastic. She truly listens and offers feedbacks. She gives me time to cry and gives me tissues. I feel better – lighter, after seeing her. I told her about some of my psychotic features that have popped up lately and how they are unnerving, unsettling, and scary. This past weekend at my parents I thought the dishwasher was telling me to kill myself. HHHmmm. Obviously that was not reality. Her response to this thought and thoughts like this is to fight back, talk or yell back even if it is only in my head. “Fuck you! I am not going to listen to you. I deserve to live. You are a dishwasher. I am beautiful and my life is important. Fuck you dishwasher!” (It was slightly comical to see her get riled up like that).
I told her about the dots on shower curtain moving around yesterday and she told me to turn it into a positive thing. Enjoy it, she said. No one else gets to experience things like that. I am lucky. She even told me to dance along with the dancing dots. I had to laught, but she was serious, though lighthearted.
She tells me also to turn my thoughts around when I start to have,or am having, a panic attack. Tell myself that I am okay. Tell myself that I will be okay because I have been through panic attacks so many times before and have always survived. She also understands because she used to have panic attacks which is helpful. Just like I hope you can relate to my musings, having someone who understands just feels better to open up to. That is why I share with you, because I believe you can understand and hopefully benefit from what I have gone through and what I have or am learning.
I have also felt very down lately that my life isn’t the way I had planned. I wanted a successful fun fashion editorial job and I had acquired the perfect one right before the shit hit the fan. I mean, I only was able to work 4 days! Sigh. I guess that was just not my purpose. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. Again she taught me to turn it around – I write this blog, I have written a book that is selling. Those are great accomplishments. As I listened to her, I started to believe her words. Turn it around. Find the positive. Challenge the negative thoughts.
Another thing she is encouraging me to do at locations where I usually have panic attacks is to sit closer to the door. I always feel the need to escape. When I do so, I can quickly leave without disturbing people. I don’t know if it will help. In theory it does so I may start trying that.
So now is the time when I preach. I encourage you to challenge those negative thoughts – to say “Fuck you! I deserve to live. I am a worthwhile human being.” If you have psychosis, try not to be afraid and instead challenge yourself to enjoy the weirdness that others don’t get to know. Panic attacks happen when you have anxiety disorder. It WILL be okay. You will not die. Challenge yourself to remain calm, to use your coping skills. I will soon write a blog on coping skills in case you don’t know them or don’t go to therapy (which you should)! My goal this week is to challenge myself and I hope you will join me. together we can be stronger individuals.