I have a hard time looking forward. I am always broke. Will I always be broke? I’ll be honest I am on Social Security Disability because this is all I can do – blog a couple times a week and even that takes a lot out of me. My mind isn’t clear usually. There is so much going on up there. Bad thoughts a lot of the time. Bad thoughts aren’t good. They cause me to sleep to escape them. They make me feel bad about myself so I don’t shower. I don’t go anywhere. I live in pajamas. I hide. I avoid phone calls, even from my mom and best friends. I just can’t be bothered because to talk is to answer the question, “How are you?” and I get tired of lying that I am fine or good because I am not. I am feeling rotten. I am feeling lost in those dark thoughts.
A couple of months I had a complete break down. I tried to look forward into the future of my life and it looked so grim. I just knew I couldn’t live another 50 years with this illness. This roller coaster is so damn hard to ride. My doctors and therapists have said that my case of bipolar disorder is severe and I don’t doubt them. I cried a lot. I had an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist and told him I just could live this way, or this life. I told him it was too fucking hard. I said the same thing to my therapist. I think my doctor changed my meds a bit and I had to promise that I would go stay with my parents for a couple weeks to avoid going into the hospital. It was a fair deal.
But I have to be honest, there is a lot to look forward. I get to watch my friends’ kids grow. I will date. I will fall in love again. I will meet great new friends. I will have fantastic experiences I can’t even imagine now. I will celebrate Christmases with my family.
That’s the thing you – have to hang in there. You have to get past the bad days. Sure, you’ll sleep some days and some days you won’t be able to shower and you just have to accept that. It is part of depression. It is part of depression, half of the illness. And it a yucky part. It is a dark part. It is the part that we all hate because none of us like to stare into the abyss of depression. But we HAVE to, we don’t get to pick and choose the parts of our illness we want. We have bipolar disorder and this is it. This is what we get. Accept it or fight it, either way, baby cakes it is part of who you are now.