advertisement
Home » Blogs » Being Beautifully Bipolar » I Do Not Wish My Mental Illness On Anyone

I Do Not Wish My Mental Illness On Anyone

There are a couple of people I REALLY, REALLY do not like. That ex-bestfriend in high school who slept with my boyfriend. I also don’t think fondly of the boyfriend who abused me. Surprised? I didn’t think so. I don’t want to ever see them again. I don’t ever want to talk to them again. I don’t ever want to hear from them again. They hurt me. They hurt me badly. I wish I had never known them, regardless of whatever I “learned” from the relationships, because, quite frankly, my heart would have been a little better off and in the end. I wouldn’t have to look back with heartbreak tucked in there somewhere.

But however much I despise them, I do not wish my mental illnesses on them – especially being beautifully bipolar. It is so freaking hard sometimes. I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I have gone through in the past 11 years, let alone my life with depression and self-harm before that diagnosis.

Don’t get me wrong, I have come a FAR way from how I felt when I was first diagnosed. Back then I was filled with shame and embarrassment. I didn’t want anyone to know I was crazy. I didn’t want anyone to know I was sick. I withdrew from life and friends and family. I hid in this secret place within myself where no one could reach me. I simply couldn’t be who I had been . Often I wished I wasw dead. If it weren’t for my new puppy I don’t know that I would have made it through that time. She gave me a reason to get out of bed. She gave me responsibility. She gave me a purpose.

I’ve written a memoir that is in the process of being published. I am currently looking over proofs. Exciting, right? The other day I was talking to my mom about it and she said, “Do you realize how far you have come in 9 years?” And she is right. For those first two years my illness and I hibernated from everyone else. No one really knew what was going on with me except for those very close that I chose to share what was going on with me. That number was a very limited few.

But about 2 years after my diagnosis of being beautifully bipolar, I came out of the crazy closet. I wrote a blog explaining what I lived with, what that meant for me, and how I hoped that people would stick around and love me still as they always had.

I couldn’t sleep the night after I posted that, worrying how people – my friends, would react. There was an outpour of love and understanding and compassion, so much so that it brought tears to my eyes. All this time I had been hiding my illness when I was accepted.

I’ll be honest, some people couldn’t handle it. They are no longer a part of my life because they chose to bow out, not because I pushed them away. That part sucked. That part brought hurt once again. But I couldn’t really blame them. There is such a thing as stigma and some people can’t get over that, and though I wish I could stomp stigma out, I am afraid we have miles to go before that is over with.

So back to my wishes. Being beautifully bipolar is a roller coaster ride. I feel like diagnosis is especially frustrating because I have Bipolar 1 with psychosis and am a rapid cycler. It is impossible to know how I will feel from one hour to the next, from one day to the next. Sometimes I don’t think I can l ive the rest of my life like this. I mean, 50 more years of cycling. Oh my goodness. How will I manage a life such as this when I also have three additional mental health disorders?

I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I have felt. The initial shame. The hiding of secrets. Being dumped by friends and therapists. As much as I dislike those people in my past, I do not want them to have to go through it. I do not want them to be beautifully bipolar.

If you are beautifully bipolar, do not be ashamed. Do not hide your illness like I did for 2 years. Come out of the “bipolar closet” and see what happens. I promise it won’t be as bad as you think. You are amazing fighting your battle. I am with you.

 

I Do Not Wish My Mental Illness On Anyone


Elaina J. Martin


No comments yet... View Comments / Leave a Comment

 

 

APA Reference
Martin, E. (2018). I Do Not Wish My Mental Illness On Anyone. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 7, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/being-bipolar/2018/02/27/wish/

 

Last updated: 15 Mar 2018
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.