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Not The Same

Looking back, I am not the same person as I was before I became ill. I am quieter. I am more reserved. I think these two characteristics are due to the fact that I don’t want people to know about the “crazy.” I literally want to keep it quiet and so I am. I use to be bubbly and fun and outgoing, not so much anymore. My therapist says she sees it, that she saw it when I was talking to some kids in the waiting room. I told her that that wasn’t real, just a front I put on, that smile I’ve had all my life to hide anything that is wrong. Now so much is wrong that that fake permasmile comes out a lot. But I miss the real, true happiness I used to feel. Don’t get me wrong, I know happy, like running down the street with no shirt to the park and falling to the ground to gaze at the stars. But that is NOT normal. I used to be the life of the party. I used to be beautiful. I used to be thinner. I used to be a flirt, a magnet for men. Now I am the first date, only date queen. I just miss being ElainaJ circa 2005. I was mostly well then. Things were fun. Light. I could work and I did, hard. But mental illness changes you and your life and the only thing you can do is try to adapt. You learn to be this new person and that isn’t a bad thing, it is just a different thing. You are allowed to grieve who you were and what you are and what you were capable of, but there will come a time you have to pull your shit together and get back to living this wonderfully insane thing called life.

Not The Same

Elaina J. Martin

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APA Reference
Martin, E. (2018). Not The Same. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 1, 2020, from


Last updated: 30 Jan 2018
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