I only dream of high school or people from high school. Rarely college and once in a while my family. Why is that? Why am I haunted by two decades ago?
I believe it is because that is the last time I wasn’t “sick.” I didn’t deal with anxiety. I wasn’t obsessed or compulsive. I had yet to exhibit the signs of bipolar disorder.
It happened later, in retrospect. Walks around college campus all night. thinking about cutting my wrist. Long depressions. When I graduated I cried because I didn’t think I would make it the finish line.
Then it was off to work. I don’t remember much of that, truly. It all runs together. I remember running down a street in heels. I remember drinking. That is when the cutting started. I couldn’t take care of myself so it was back to Oklahoma with my parents.
Next, well next, I went crazy. Who wants to dream about that when you live it every day?
It makes me sad, that I am stuck in four years every night. I want to dream of the future. I want to dream up a cute guy I’d kiss. 🙂 I’d like to dream that my dog will live forever. I’d like to dream of places I want go. So many other things to dream about. I am sick of being stuck.