I self-harm. It began when I was 26. I will be 36 in April. I don’t do it to hurt. I don’t do it to inflict pain. It is a compulsion – part of my OCD. My mind says “cut your wrist, cut your wrist, cut your wrist” until I cannot take it anymore and I give in. It feels so good to give in because the voices in my mind stop and I am free. Everything gets quiet.
But then there is blood and bandages and sometimes stitches. It is dangerous. Slicing open your wrist is nothing to be proud of. I have scars, so many scars. I use to be embarrassed by them, but now I view them as battle wounds. I personally tried to take myself down, but yet here I am, my head held high.
I don’t cut anymore and can’t remember the last time I did though can tell you that in the last six months I have felt the urge. What I do now is scratch and perhaps, in a way, it is worse because I don’t realize when I am doing it. In stressful situations I will begin to scratch at a half-inch piece of skin on either wrist or hand until it is raw. It is only then that I realize I have scratched hard enough to leave a scab which will leave a scar. It appears as though I have myriad cigarette burns on my hands and wrists. Another thing spoiled.
People self-harm for many reasons in many ways. I beg of you to find help. Talk to a counselor. Find a friend, even a parent. Get out the bad things that are in there, that are inside you, causing you to self-harm.
And if you have already self-harmed don’t be ashamed of yourself. Sometimes we just aren’t strong enough to wrestle our minds. Sometimes the hurt comes out for everyone to see. Be gentle with yourself. I know you are trying.