Hi, dear readers. I am sorry I am late with this blog. I am in a major depressive episode. I thought I’d take a few minutes to describe that for those of you who maybe aren’t bipolar and have not experienced it and to let those of you who have experienced it know you are not alone in your struggles.
It starts with this feeling of malaise. You begin to lose interest in things you normally like to do. For four or five nights I simply couldn’t sleep. I laid in bed for hours with a blank mind wishing I could slip into the comfort of oblivious sleep. I was falling deeper and deeper into this dark, endless hole.
I called my psychiatrist’s office and got an appointment two days later. It was awful. I had a total meltdown. Crying. Having to take off my glasses and sob because I am tired of this shit. I always end up back in this dark place where it is hard to move and difficult to speak and my mind is my enemy.
I have been sleeping a lot now, the past few days. My dog wakes me up to go outside. Then maybe I eat something (my appetite is gone) and after my dog finishes her breakfast, it is back to bed until the afternoon. It isn’t healthy but it is the only safe way I know to escape from the pain I feel.
I have “bad” thoughts. I won’t go into them because I don’t want to trigger anyone out there. And when you are falling down into the abyss it becomes harder and harder to not give in to those thoughts. (Don’t worry, I am being strong and safe).
I will begin therapy next month and honestly, I am looking forward to it. I need someone to talk to – to help me figure out things, to ride this roller coaster with me. Because that is what bipolar is, a frighteningly big roller coaster. And when you are going up it is all hands up, smiles, and hooting and hollering. But then you get to the bottom, and boy is it far from the top.
For all of you out there at the bottom of the roller coaster right now, just now that it will get better. The train doesn’t stop at the bottom, it continues to go back up and sometimes even spins in loops.