If you read my last blog you know how angry I was feeling about being mentally ill. Just last month I lost my job and I feel my med change and lack of clarity due to my illness had a lot to do with it. I was mad.
So I got rebellious.
Sunday I decided to stop taking my medication. The only thing I took was my clonazapam – a sedative to help with my anxiety. That was 17 pills thrown out the window. Never. Ever. Stop taking your medication. I always tell you this. I always tell you to talk to your doctor before making any changes. I fucked up.
I felt terrible. Nauseated. Emotional. Shaky. I had a few breakdowns. My hallucinations worsened. I couldn’t sleep. In 3 nights I slept about a total of 4 hours. I just laid there in bed.
Wednesday I saw my pdoctor and told her about going off my meds. I told her about the anger and how I was just like “fuck it.” I told her I wanted to get back on my meds and not end up in the hospital because I felt that if I continued that path, it was imminent. She agreed. I told her I felt that all my meds were necessary, but perhaps we could change it so that instead of 4 pills I could take a higher dose and only 2 pills – tricking myself into thinking I was taking less medication. We made a couple changes like that.
She said we had to get a couple things under control before we could address the clarity, etc. That night I got back on my meds. That night I slept. The next day I napped. Yesterday I felt AMAZING! A bit hypomanic – talking a lot, getting some projects done, just ‘back,’ you know?
It was wrong of me to go off my meds. It was dangerous, both physically and mentally. I was just angry. I was just tired of being Beautifully Bipolar.
Do as I say not as I do. Take your meds.