Some people call it an episode – I do. Some people call it a breakdown. Call it what you will, but when a mood disorder shifts you into another hemisphere, it is problematic.
Months ago I started to go a bit crazy (and don’t get mad at me if I want to use the word ‘crazy,’ I will). I was up. I was down. And, if you have any experience with bipolar disorder, you will know that up was beyond the sun and down was at six feet below everyone else’s feet. It was life in extremes. I was going through a major mixed episode. It was one of the longest such episodes I have yet to experience.
It was horrible.
I cried every day. At moments I just felt soooooooooooooo bad. Then, a few hours later I would be laughing uncontrollably. I would talk so fast people would ask me to slow down. I was out of control.
I have rapid cycling (or even ultra-rapid cycling) bipolar 1 disorder with psychosis. My moods change quickly and often. If you think about what bipolar is – a mood disorder – you can see exactly the difficulty. Mood. Disorder. A mood unordered.
I am still not well. I need some meds changed. Something for the depression. Something stronger for the psychosis. I am tired of crying. I am tired of the anger and frustration. Fuck, I am just tired.
Photo by Sander van der Wel, available via Creative Commons