Today is the U.S’s National Suicide Awareness Day. I’ve thought a lot about what to write. You see, I know intimately the act of trying to take one’s life. I have tried to kill myself 3 times – the 4th I question.
I have spent well over 20 days locked inside hospitals because my mind has tried to play its strongest trick, tell its biggest lie: That dying is better than living.
Today has been one of those days when I have spent the better part of it in bed. I think I am a loser. I think I am a failure. I compare my life to others’ with jobs and houses and families. I think of all those great boyfriends that didn’t pick me. This isn’t self-pity. This is depression. This is wishing my head would stop hurting, that the anger and frustration I have been feeling for weeks would go away. This is wishing it would all stop.
And there it is – the lie. I don’t want it all to stop. I just want to stop feeling this way. There IS a difference.
I have overdosed three times on prescription pills and cut my wrist badly enough to warrant at least one stay in the psych ward. I wasn’t thinking of who or what I would be leaving behind to deal with the ramifications of those choices. I have been to three Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention Walks (not including this year) and I have seen the faces of those left behind to grieve the loss of a life they loved. The guilt I feel when I see a family or a mother who has survived such a loss is heavy.
Don’t listen to that voice, that lie. Don’t take those pills. Don’t cut your wrists. Don’t do any of the things that media had suggested you do to find peace outside of the world because there is peace in this world and love and light.
Don’t be scared to get professional help. Fight for it. Since becoming sick, it has always been a battle for me, but I know that I am worth it; that my life is worth it. Keep calling private practices and community services and nonprofits and the government until you get the help you need! YOU DESERVE A WONDERFUL LIFE!
Know you are not alone. For every one of the 42,773 Americans who die by suicide each year, 25 more attempt. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in this country. That is unacceptable. There is help out there for you or someone you know. Please see the resources below. I hope they help.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP): www.afsp.org
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): www.nami.org
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA): www.dbsa.org
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800.273.TALK
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