Yesterday was a pretty good day. All-in-all I have been doing better. I have been feeling less irritable. I am smiling more. I have been getting out of my parents’ house pretty much every day.
I have been considering moving because Nashville is nearly 10 hours from my parents’ home. That is a long ass drive. Sorry for the language, but that is how bad it is. Anyway, when I am “unwell” I NEED my family around to help me. I don’t eat when I am alone because to decide what to eat is too monumental a task. Showering. Changing my clothes – unless I am going to work, forget about it.
In April I tried to kill myself. I am not sure why. It was impulsive. It is the second time something exactly like that had happened. Anyway, I ended up in ICU. You know who I had to call? My roommate to bring me some things. Then she left. (Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated her). My mom couldn’t come sit by my bed. My brother couldn’t come make me laugh. My grandma couldn’t hold my hand. I was alone.
Yesterday my parents and I went to Charlotte, NC. I wanted to visit the city and see if it was somewhere I could imagine myself living. There were parts I liked. Parts I didn’t. I got frustrated trying to read maps. I started to get impatient. I started to get exhausted – so exhausted that I fell asleep on the way home for a bit.
I came home irritated and stressed. Should I leave the house and room I love to start ALL over again somewhere else? (Just for reference, since graduating college in 2002 I have lived in 8 states and numerous homes). And there was the whole financial business of moving, etc.
Today I laid in bed ’til 12:30. I was mad and stressed. I didn’t want to be “nice ElainaJ.” I wanted to break things. I thought a shower might help. It didn’t. I thought some coffee would help. It didn’t. Talking to my best bud Jen did though. She gave me her honest opinion on moving; the one shared by pretty much everyone.
Then I got back to being Miss Grumpypants. Today was what I refer to as a “bipolar day.” I was down. I was mad. I was irritable. I was happy. I was playful. I was needy. I was tired. I got shit done. And yes, I know everyone has “off” days, but most people don’t feel them with such intensity or so many emotions in less than a 12 hour period.
All this is to say – it isn’t over yet. I am not “well” yet. I am getting there. I am taking care of myself. I am letting my support system be there for me and accepting their help and advice, because you see, when you are sick like I am right now, I cannot think clearly so I rely on the clarity of others.
(Written Tuesday July 2nd, 2016).