Some people think I have it easy. I have bipolar disorder and I have everything under control and the sun shines on me wherever I go and I’ve mastered the art of living with this illness. People think because I am not hospitalized at the moment or am not suicidal that things are good.
But being beautifully bipolar is hard as hell, nearly all the time.
Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder characterized with extreme highs and lows. But that just doesn’t grasp the reality. The reality is sometimes I am so high I almost think I can fly off a third story roof. Other times I am so low I don’t shower for 4 or 5 days and isolate myself. It is the brightest light and darkest dark.
I take 13 pills to tame my mind every day. Every. Day. That is a hell of a lot of potent shit. I mean, these medications play with my brain. You know that I am pro-medication if it helps, but only if the results outweigh the side effects.
Speaking of side effects of medications, these are my current common ones: Tremors in my hands (most likely from the Gabapentine), excessive yawning (Rexulti), periods of overall feeling of weariness (all the drugs), not sleeping through the night and waking up for hours at a time (change and missing of medications).eye dilation early in the day (who knows?!), weight loss (Thank you new med combo!). I am sure there are others but those are the constants.
I faithfully see a psychiatrist. I tell him everything that is going on with my mental health. I tell him I have constant diarrhea. It isn’t always fun. But it is reality. He knows all about my psychotic episodes because I tell him. My doctors can only help me when I am being honest.
I am 34 and I have a roommate – a roommate I like very much, but I should be financially stable and have a “real” job and a “real” house. But being beautifully bipolar put some major boulders in my path and right now, well, I am doing my best. Psych wards. Months of depression. Having to stay with family when I was “unwell.” It all affects my life.
I’d rather be beautifully bipolar than be gone. I am meant to be here on this Earth. I am meant to share my story. So, yeah, somethings are really shitty about this illness and I wanted to let you know that I struggle too. You are not alone.
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net