As you may know if you follow this blog, I am currently dealing with some bipolar depression. Uffff. It’s like I was riding in a canoe and it tipped over and now I am trying to keep my head above the choppy water. I am paddling my feet, scrambling with my arms, gulping water. It just seems easier to let the water take me.
I’ll be honest, the only things I accomplished today were:
1. Feeding my dog and self
2. Letting both my roommate’s and my dog out when needed
3. Washing my face and brushing my teeth
4. And lying in bed.
Depression is a bitch. It isn’t that I want to feel numb or sad or bad. I simply can’t control my mood. That is why bipolar disorder is classified as a mood disorder. It does what it wants and I am just along for the ride.
I want to state that I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I know suicidal ideation often comes on with severe depression, but I don’t want to die. I just want to feel better.
Sunday was a mess. I was overcome with bipolar depression irritability. My poor boyfriend stayed by my side as I huffed and puffed. He wanted to make me feel better, but when there is nothing really “wrong” how do you fix it?
I am looking forward to seeing my family over the holidays. I love them so much and they have provided so much support in the past. Thanksgiving will be a short visit, but I plan to spend some more time with them during the Christmas holiday. My point? Don’t isolate yourself like I am doing now. Try to engage in life and be around people you care about and who care about you. Know you have an illness and some days are just better than others. If you are beautifully bipolar you have a mood disorder, thus you are often not in control of your moods. Take it in stride. Try not to say things you don’t mean and do things you will regret.
I’m keeping my head above water, paddling my legs, and grasping for something to hold onto. Chin up, love. We will get through this.
Photo courtesy of:
© <a href=”http://mike.openphoto.net/gallery/”>Michael Jastremski</a> for <a href=”http://openphoto.net/gallery/image/view/4748″>openphoto.net</a>