I have bipolar disorder 1 with psychotic features. Not so beautiful all the time. Sometimes I hallucinate. Sometimes I only get out of bed to take care of the dogs and go to the bathroom. Sometimes I take my dog for a brisk walk and plop down on the side of the road to make daisy-chains. Sometimes I don’t eat. Sometimes I eat a lot.
I am sensitive to stress. Stress is my trigger, and, man, once you pull it, all bets are off. So how does one navigate a break-up, knowing that now they have to move out and find a new place to call home? How does one at the same time fight with her best friend? How do you live knowing that everything in your life is about to change and not go a bit nutty?
Friends, I don’t have the answer. My therapist and I agree that if this had been a year ago I would most likely be hospitalized. But I am stronger now. I have, what she refers to as “tools.” Like my deep breathing. Like my red STOP sign that I wake up to look at and know that I don’t have to ruminate about everything, I can stop and take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I have a support system that gets me through panic attacks and crises.
Don’t get me wrong, I am scared shitless about my future. I have finally made a “home” here with friends I adore and doctors I love and a therapist who is the best.
But, hey, that’s life – the unexpected. I guess that is what keeps it interesting, even when you aren’t smiling.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net