I am happy to report that I am back in the land of the living. After a bad month, I feel on the mend. I sat today outside in the sun with my iced coffee and felt much lighter than I did a couple of weeks ago. That is how rapid-cycling bipolar disorder is – it comes, then it goes. It is just so hard to remember when it comes that it will go.
For the past month I’ve been going through some psychological med changes. We doubled this and added that and it is all a lot for my little brain to handle. I think that is what led to the depressive episode. It even says it on the medicine jar – watch for mood changes.
I saw my therapist two weeks ago and talked to her about everything. I still felt safe, just a little wobbly. It’s amazing how your mind can go to such terrifying places when you are clinically depressed.
Today we decided to double the new antidepressant so we will see where this lands me. Hopefully less OCD symptoms and hopefully less “atypical depression,” (when you sleep a lot. Apparently in “normal” depression you sleep less).
I just want to say that being beautifully bipolar is hard. Very. Very. Hard. It’s always a little of this, a little more of that, take that away, watch and wait.
I’ve noticed since this new addition of antidepressant I have the shakes back. I’ve had them before on other medications. My hands tremble. They tremble now above the keys. My pdoc says this should go away in time and I hope so. It isn’t something I can’t live with, but I don’t want to have to.
So what has this personal saga have to do with you? I just wanted to remind you that you aren’t the only one out there dealing with med changes. I wanted to tell you I UNDERSTAND. I wanted to remind you to hang in there, that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. But try. You have to try.
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