Everything just seems sour and dark. My goals seem too far away – like the book will never be published, that the boyfriend will never propose, like I will never slim down these extravagant curves.
I’ve been having panic attacks again. Not good. Not good. Saturday at the grocery store, the same one I have been in a hundred times or more, I was gripped by a feeling of impending doom. I had to talk to myself in my car the whole way home. Yesterday I was alone watching a movie with nothing to set me off. I don’t want to go back to that life where I am afraid, where I clutch my chest, where I take deep breaths to just walk to the back of the grocery store, a life in which I don’t want to leave the house. I’ve come so far. I don’t want to go back.
I am going out to dinner tonight with my boyfriend. It is “Boyfriend day,” the (58th) monthly anniversary of the day I first called him my boyfriend (it will be 5 years in August to save you time figuring out just how long that is). He will inevitably make me laugh and that is as far as my expectations are taking me today.
I guess, dear reader, I just wanted to let you know that it isn’t always beautiful, but that is okay. Tomorrow is a new day filled with promise.
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net