If I had a nickel for every time someone has called me sexy I could buy a new sexy little black dress. I don’t know what it is – my body type, my mouth, my walk, or the way I raise an eyebrow when I talk. I’m not quite sure. Don’t confuse this with pretty or cute or attractive. This is something else, this is seduction with a wink.
But with my cocktail of antipsychotics, antidepressants, and sedatives I become a tease. I may look sexy but I suffer from sexual dysfunction. This is something most ladies don’t talk about.
There are commercials for men.
It isn’t that I don’t love my boyfriend or find him sexy or want him. I do. I just can’t get “in the mood.” It is tough because the meds work. They keep my OCD in check, they help my anxiety. I am not depressed nor am I manic. I am stable. I am cool. I am as good as I can expect.
Except – I don’t feel like having sex. I don’t feel like getting naked with my boyfriend. At night I just feel tired, not excited about getting beneath the covers, not excited about feeling his chest pressed against my own. Not delightfully thrilled by his mouth on mine.
And it sucks.
I love my boyfriend – fiercely. I love him from the top of his military approved haircut to his Navy issued boots. But what’s a sexy girl to do? Being beautifully bipolar is so damn complicated. Do I change up my medications – go through the process of withdrawal and the side effects of starting something new in hopes that things in the bedroom improve?
I believe my mental health is paramount. There is little I won’t do to be well. Because I have been sick. I have been hospitalized. I have been hopeless and I don’t want to do that again. But I also want to be a good partner, a loving partner, who shows it in intimate ways.
So why say all this here? Because I know there are people out there going through the same thing, who are weighing the pros of their medication with the cons of their love life. And it’s so easy to stop taking your medication. So. Easy. But it is something you need to figure out with your doctor, no matter how embarrassed you might be to bring up the word “orgasm” during a psychiatry appointment.
It’s all important. Your mental health. Your physical health. Your sexual health. And sometimes it is just trial and error until you find the right cocktail of meds to sync all three.