Sometimes I hear people talking about feeling things deeply. In fact, I was just watching a television show where they were just talking about this very issue.
It sounds romantic. It sounds soulful. It sounds like something to aspire to.
But honestly, there are many times when I wish I felt things less deeply.
There are times I wish I could just turn down the volume.
Because for me, life feels like one, big, very loud emotion screaming in my ear day in and day out. And it’s not all just one, and they aren’t all just happy or sad. They are diverse, and they aren’t always sticky. But they always grab my attention.
I woke up this morning feeling guilty. Guilty for actions others judged me for in a dream – actions I have never actually taken. And then later I felt sad. I felt sad for chapters in my life that are closing. And then I felt happiness and anticipation at the new doors that are opening. I felt worried – worried about saying the right things and doing the right things. And then I felt overwhelmed — overwhelmed by this constant onslaught of unadulterated feeling.
I get that we are born to feel and to lack feeling would be a great weakness. And I get that feeling things deeply is a gift. I get that it opens me up to things in the world that I would be otherwise closed off to. And I get that it opens me up to people and helps me relate to others. And it helps me write because it helps me find the universal.
But sometimes it is just exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could sit down with a book and a cup of hot tea and just relax.
But relaxing wasn’t made for me. I was made to churn and chew and percolate.
And I will go to bed thankful to have been made this way. And then I will toss and turn in my bed and realize just how much more sleep I would get if sometimes my heart came with a volume button.