Do you ever feel uncomfortable by too many good days? Do you feel like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop? Like things can’t possibly stay decent for too long?
I’m stuck in that place now. And it’s comfortable and reassuring and scary all at the same time.
I’ve been really sick for about two weeks. I’m still using a nebulizer and steroids to open my lungs. And when I get sick, I usually get anxious. Very, very anxious. I can’t control it. It overtakes me.
But that didn’t happen over the past two weeks.
I had been having a good summer. I had been productive; I’d been having a good time with my kids. I had been doing things I enjoy. Usually the lack of structure buries me. But not this time. Things were going along too well.
So when I got sick, I was sure it was all going to fall apart. Way too many days spent lying on the couch would depress anyone. And yet I didn’t get depressed. And I haven’t been anxious.
I’ve been telling myself that I’m just sick and that I need to rest. I’ve been reminding myself that things will get better. I’ve been doing what little I can here and there. I’ve been enlisting the help of my kids.
And I should celebrate this as an accomplishment. I should be oh so very grateful for my good days. I should see this as a sign of progress and a result of some very hard work I have done. I should be thankful that my anxiety meds are at that perfect place where they decrease anxiety without increasing depression.
I should be so happy.
And yet I’m scared. I’m scared for the other shoe to drop.
That’s an irony in itself.
Worried girl photo available from Shutterstock