I don’t understand depression. It’s been a companion of mine off and on for about eight years, but still, it remains a bit of a mystery to me.
Anxiety I understand. I understand why it comes on and when it comes on. Sometimes I can sense it early enough and I can prepare myself and I can mitigate the damages. Sometimes I can’t. But still, it makes sense to me. Maybe because it’s been hanging around a lot longer. Or perhaps it’s just more sensical to me.
And I guess that does make sense.
There’s a lot to be worried about in this world. There are a lot of legitimate fears. And even my somewhat exotic (that’s a nice word for them) fears can have somewhat of a basis in reality. My anxiety is heightened awareness — it’s heightened fear and neuroticism and obsession. But perhaps it’s a bit of an extreme form of what seems natural. Or perhaps I just have a messed up view of what is natural.
But depression is a different story.
I believe in hope. I believe in kindness and mercy. I believe in the fight. I believe in light and love and faith and joy.
And I’ll be living in those beliefs, safely tucked inside their protection. Until all of a sudden I’m not. Until one day I wake up and hope is gone and the world seems physically darker. Mercy might still exist but not inside my head and not towards myself. Kindness will be invisible. The fight will have drained out of me.
And I’ll be sitting there in this world so unlike the one I usually inhabit but everything will be the same. My habits and routines and environment… it’s all there like it always has been. But my mind has gone elsewhere. It’s living on a different plane.
Until it no longer is. Until the light comes back.
And for me, the trip back is just as much of a mystery as the trip down the rabbit hole.
Maybe one day I’ll understand it. These days, however, I’m not worried too much about understanding it. I’m more focused on keeping it at bay and keeping it in perspective.
All we can do is fight the battle one day at a time. All we have to remember is that hope lives even when it’s hiding from us.
Because there will always be a tomorrow. A sunrise inevitably follows every sunset and rainbows follow the storms.
Even when it doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.