5 thoughts on “Standards and Expectations: Are You Good Enough

  • November 25, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    This in interseting but how do you communicate it for the other person. Example is if I’m a good wife it’s because I work very hard for my family, I get the bills paid and put food on the table. I help with chores. I offer my emotional support and affection. I listen and try to respond thoughtfully as best I can, and physical intimacy. I am faithful both emotionally and physically. Sure we have conflict but I admit my mistakes and apologize for them and try to fix whatever caused them.

    But, to the other person this is not good enough. Because you’re missing X. What is X? It’s some arbritrary thing that even the other person can’t really express, but without it the person feels like they are settling for less than they deserve. Because I don’t have X, I’m never good enough. X is something learned somewhere along the lines from role models, and try as I might, I cannot acheive X. So, although I feel I’m doing a good job as a wife, it’s never enough.

    So then what? Maybe X is some unrealistic expectation or maybe it’s not. In the end, if you don’t have X then the other person is just always disappointed and I don’t know how you fix that.

    Reply
    • November 25, 2013 at 11:24 pm

      Hi
      Thanks for posting. The circumstance you described must challenging. Its hard to fulfill a request, when we do not know what is being requested. So you can begin by looking at the things that you do have control over. You cannot control other people, but you can control your behavior and reactions to events.

      It maybe useful to ask him and yourself some focusing questions. By answering these questions we are able to make our internalized, unconscious, unacceptable feelings conscious and concrete. This allows us to find relief from our conflicting logical and emotional reactions, which helps us to move forward. Try some focusing questions, such as:
      “What is the worst part about it?”
      “How does that worst part make me feel?”
      “When else have I felt this way?”
      “Is it better to be right or just have peace?”
      “What am I trying achieve?”
      “What scares me about this?”
      “How will this affect my life in the long term?”
      “What would be an ideal outcome?”
      “What advice would I give to someone else in this situation?”

      Reply
  • November 30, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    I’ve read this three times. I still don’t understand it.

    Reply
    • December 4, 2013 at 11:29 pm

      Hi
      Thanks for posting. Please elaborate so I can offer some clarification

      Reply
  • December 1, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    somehow i think two words are missing
    listen and lsiten
    seemsfew if any problems in life can b recognized addressed or resolved when either or both paries to a negotiation e.g. relationship have not / do not/ will not learn how or when to take the first step to mutually satisfiying relationships.
    i’m not school educated this come from experiencing the worst of what living can fo to someone who has been the victim of not learning how or when to listen to his own thoughts listen to the words that are used to express them and listen to how what is said to another is reacted to so i can somehow recognize the ways to sort out problems that face.

    Reply
 

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