12 thoughts on “The 5 Causes of Anger and How to Find Forgiveness

  • April 24, 2019 at 6:56 am

    good nice piece

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  • April 24, 2019 at 7:17 am

    At some stage forgiveness was the opposite of revenge. And preaching forgiveness obviously prevented a lot of bloodshed and eye-for-eye feuds that rolled on endlessly generation after generation. However, in a civilized society, there is a system of justice that takes care of the perpetrator, admittedly oft inadequately so. Except in some gang-related crime, the victim is relieved of the burden of having to take revenge. The legal system takes care of deciding on the degree of culpability, sincere repentance, likelihood of re-offending – all at the cost of the taxpayer. Yet there are still idiots who place an unbearable burden on the victim: to perform some mystical act that will bring forth some mythical healing juice; if only you tried harder to forgive “and just stop thinking about it; let it go…” Difficult to say whether this preaching comes out of ignorance or psychopathy. So, these days “forgiveness” is the opposite of “being a very bad person who is only harming yourself,” or some such garbage.

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  • April 24, 2019 at 10:09 am

    I have heard the need to forgive so many times before. No one tells you HOW to do it—especially if the person you have hurt the most is yourself.

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    • April 26, 2019 at 2:25 pm

      This is EXACTLY what I was going to say. In fact, I would add that those that believe that they must forgive, due to articles like this, as opposed to focusing on the hows, risk people with good intentions using intellectual defenses to tell themselves that they have forgiven, let go, etc., OR just feel worse re themselves when they observe the feelings returning. forgiveness often only comes after a process of exploring their body reactions, connections to past triggers, and other underlying feelings. It is a process that includes BOTH thoughts and feelings, and is less likely to have the rebound to resentment feature. Have faith in a realistic process…as well as seeking help from therapists that can use certain techniques that have been proven to have long term pos impacts (NLP, EMDR, Body Trauma work a la Steven Levine, etc) Not superficial CBT stuff, wh can help some, for sure, but leave many others frustrated w themselves because their resentments don’t seem to change so easy through simply applying intellectual concepts!

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    • April 27, 2019 at 3:00 am

      If you are not taking revenge, then you have forgiven. End of story. Don’t let some snake-oil salesman tell you that further mystical performance is required of you.

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  • April 24, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    How can you forgive a psychopath?

    Especially when they made you spend thousands of dollars on legal fees at their enjoyment?

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  • April 27, 2019 at 3:32 am

    I have a friend who is prone to terrible outbursts. People walk on eggs, warning newcomers to our circle what not to say or do in her presence. After one such incident, she was gracious enough to apologize and explained that she has been very depressed. I accepted the apology unreservedly.
    Privately, I thought: why does she not put her anger where it belongs? Namely, on the people who had hurt her, years ago, and turned her into this anxious, depressed, angry person?
    But of course she cannot do that, she has “forgiven.” Nice people do not talk about the people who had hurt you. Nice people “forgive” and “put it behind you” and “move on.” Usually these deep hurts are from a time when we were vulnerable and powerless. Wrongs suffered in adulthood are easily overcome. You recover from bankruptcy and start a new business. But in childhood you not only suffer wrongs, but are constantly told your parents love you and mean well. By the time you are old enough to know that it was never OK, not by any standards, you are told to “move on.” And that is all a “therapist” will tell you too. That just makes you extra vigilant to any perceived wrong in future, which must be warded off – before the need to forgive arises.
    I suggest setting aside one hour every evening, alone, in a dark room and have an imaginary discussion with the person who had harmed you. You know all the come-backs, but this time, you have a Groundhog Day opportunity to get through to something (maybe) decent in the other person. Have the conversation, then leave the room. Resolve not to think about it again until the next evening. It will prevent these flash-backs from entering your head unexpectedly during the day in your dealings with other people.

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  • May 1, 2019 at 4:48 am

    60 years ago, when I was growing up, we were taught that decent people sought forgiveness. That is what decent people did; that is what made a decent society work. If you didn’t seek forgiveness, your soul would be damned. Who decided to pervert this principle? Now, apparently, society depends on decent people having to forgive, and unless you at least pretend to go along with this, and say you forgive, your soul will be damned. What?
    When a reporter asks the victim of a crime if she has “forgiven” the perpetrator, the appropriate response would be: “that is up to God, or whatever the criminal believes in. It is not up to me.”

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  • May 16, 2019 at 6:01 am

    Quote from the website flyingmonkeysdenied: “Before you get critical and all self-deprecating about why you “can’t let things go”, you must realize that whoever told you that this is what you should do, is not in your corner and is, in fact, socially abusing a PTSD patient.

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  • January 4, 2020 at 3:56 pm

    I have a step-son that threatened my life and sent me vile, hurtful and disgusting texts for days. (he was 19 at the time) My husband called the Police and the threat was recorded, which was in 2012. Later, after joining the Army, he applied for top-secret clearance and he got it. This was done by paying a lawyer $30,000 to remove the death threat. He never even apologized to me or showed any remorse. As a child, he had pictures of dead animals on his phone. My husband expects me to forgive his son as well and attend his upcoming wedding. I have really tried to forgive him, for me not him. Is it wrong to not want any relationship with him? These events sent me into a manic episode. When his name comes up, I am taken right back to my life being threatened. It;s not that I seek revenge, it’s that everyone covers for him and he never receives punishment for his actions.

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    • January 6, 2020 at 12:40 am

      Pam: Christian teaching is that people should SEEK forgiveness for their sins. Evil has perverted religious teachings so that now it is the victim of crime who has to forgive or be damned. Naturally you should not seek revenge, or harm your stepson in any way. Don’t try to turn others against him, that is when you yourself become evil. It is not up to you to punish him. However, it is also not up to you to “forgive” him, as if you were some deity that can confer absolution. This kind of preaching that you must “forgive, for me not for him,” comes from psychopaths. They latched onto this Christian teaching, perverted it and it gave them a clear run in society.

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