19 thoughts on “Love or Fear? (I Was Afraid to Post This, But I Did Anyway)

    • March 24, 2011 at 6:27 pm

      Ha ha ha, thanks, Jerry!

  • March 24, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    Asking if fear is the motivator for an action is a very good question. I crave transparency. I think living with ADHD, among other issues, has encouraged me to hide from people and removed me from receiving the love that others have to offer. I think hiding for years has contributed to my long standing desire to be able to literally walk down a crowded street in tears without feeling shame about it. I think personal transparency can help others come out of hiding as well. I’ve seen it over and over.

    I say, “Take that!” to “normal” as well as “fear of rejection.”

    • March 24, 2011 at 6:29 pm

      Woo-hoo! A girl after my own heart.
      Debbie, if I need to cry, I cry. Anywhere, any time. No shame. No apologies.

      Maybe it’s because I’m THAT open that I rarely feel like crying.
      In fact, I can honestly say, in the last year or so, I have cried much less than I ever have. And that’s because I’m learning to be me. Thanks for letting me get that – your comment took me to that realization. Cool!

      Glad to see you here again!
      Take care,

  • March 24, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    You found a Resolution here…There will be others…That is how we move Forward. In your Mind you play the cards you have been dealt for that hand. You bet then win, lose or draw. There is always another hand – another day.

    • March 24, 2011 at 6:32 pm

      Hmmm…IHSV…what does that remind me of?
      You gotta know when to hold ’em…
      Know when to fold ’em…

      …always LOVED that song!
      Let’s hear it for Kenny Rogers!

  • March 25, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Awesome post! Funny enough, I am working on a post along these lines for parents of ADHDers to tell their employers they are raising a special needs child! I personally spent a lot of time getting called to the school/ doctor/ after school care/ friends’ houses due to behavioural issues and or accidents but I didn’t tell my bosses what was going on… I think I should have.

    • March 25, 2011 at 10:26 am

      That’s a VERY interesting perspective, and one I hadn’t thought of. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Please write and let us know when your blog post goes up, and a link so that we can get your take on it.

  • March 25, 2011 at 7:31 am

    As I have written previously, a very senior manager where I work has been rather public in displaying his contempt for the mythological disorder known as ADHD. Coming out at work for me would be a serious mistake in judgement. At least if I want to continue working where I do.

    But the one place I did not expect to experience the stigma of ADHD was within the medical profession itself. I have no proof, but I strongly suspect that a bias against ADHD on the part of certain medical professionals may have played a role in delaying proper diagnosis of a serious medical issue I had recently.

    I get the feeling from more than one medical professional that if you are diagnosed with ADHD, that is essential a license, perhaps even a mandate, to ignore what you are saying.

    • March 25, 2011 at 10:30 am

      Jerry, I’d be very curious to hear more about your perspective. I wonder if you could expand upon how you sense that we’re ignored or dismissed by medical professionals out-of-hand when they learn that we have ADHD? Can you be more specific? What is it, do you suspect, that undermines our credibility vis a vis a diagnosis of ADHD? I’d be interested in hearing more, if you’re willing.

      And yes, I recall your situation at work and fully respect your decision. It seems, from your previous comments, that you are quite happy at your workplace and I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to jeopardize it, considering you have this obvious obstacle in your path. It does beg the question: does this senior manager also have (undiagnosed) ADHD? It wouldn’t be the first time that someone has protested loudly against something out of their fear/denial of having it themselves. Just a thought…

      Thanks, as always, for your participation in the discussion!

  • March 25, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Zoe: I friend of mine had an uncle in the high ranks of our American F.B.I. He said of Information:”Just tell them What They NEED to Know”.

  • March 25, 2011 at 12:18 pm


    With respect to medical professionals, all your questions are good ones – ones I keep asking myself. I don’t have any answers – this is all new for me (just about 18 months post-ADHD-diagnosis). I’m not sure how much of my experience overlaps with what others experience here.

    What I can say, having spent a lifetime being obese and now at a normal BMI for the first time in my life, people now treat me dramatically different. It’s not so much the words as the thousand little non-verbal communications you receive (i.e the stuff people with Aspergers have the hardest time being aware of). It was very easy for me to tell when someone was repulsed by my weight. There are a thousand ‘tells’.

    What I have experienced from the medical professionals with respect to my ADHD feels somewhat akin to what I experienced being obese. Not all professionals – really maybe 30% or less. But that’s still too much. Especially when it may mean missing something seriously wrong.

    There is a fascinating concept, perhaps applicable to both the obese and those with ADHD – a hypothesis that originated in robotics – called the “Uncanny Valley“. In a nutshell, it is a hypothesis about how humans respond to ‘robots’. Up to a point, when a human sees a ‘human-like’ robot, there is a very positive response. But as that robot gets very close to looking and behaving human, a very negative response can occur. In short, what you have is not a cute robot but a defective human.

    This hypothesis remains unproven. But it worth noting that where this concept/hypothesis has had the most real world application is the animated film industry.

    Millions of dollars are spent producing animated films like Avatar, Shrek, The Incredibles, etc. How humans react to the characters in the film isn’t just an artistic question – it directly impacts revenue produced by the film. Thus the people who are accountable for the investment pay great attention to our responses.

    Turns out, when they first started testing Shrek on audiences, kids were frightened and scared – not by Shrek or Donkey but by Princess Fiona. The producers believe the initial Princess Fiona had fallen into “The Uncanny Valley” of human response. Before the film was released, they went back and redesigned Princess Fiona to be ‘more cartoon like’. More info on this can be found at this NPR piece:


    • March 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm

      Jerry, wow – fascinating stuff!
      I’m really intrigued by the information you’ve provided, thanks. It also brings to mind my whole theory of our responses to what’s “normal,” versus what deviates from “normal” – i.e. – me, et al. Veeeeery interesting stuff…

  • March 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    In Hoc … but if it comes down to losing your job, which pays your bills, puts food on the table and keeps the roof over your head … or sitting down with your supervisor or boss and explaining to them that you have a medically diagnosed condition that can and does occasionally affect your actions or reactions … truly, which is worse?
    Before my ADHD diagnosis, the one they had laid on me was BiPD … and in my profession it was a death sentence of sorts. I didn’t want to tell anyone including my boss why I didn’t apply for higher level positions because to do so would be to admit that I knew I would be shot down because of that one word … and even though it turned out to be ruled out, it was there long enough to tank any aspirations I had of advancing. At the same time my silence as to my reasons for not pursuing career advancement or related education pretty much got me labeled as lazy. In retrospect, I think it might have been better to just level with my supervisor so she at least she might have understood why I didn’t try.

    • March 25, 2011 at 1:59 pm

      Such a relevant and informative story. Sad, too. My heart was very sad when I heard that you’d had to suffer this situation; being falsely labelled “lazy” is such a shared experience for many of us ADHDer’s, and others too I see. (Thus the book, You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?! by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo; these derogatory terms have been levelled at many an ADHDer – enough so that they make a great title for a self-help book about ADHD – part of which is to help us overcome just such unfair labelling!).

  • March 25, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    A final thought from senior management, via Niccolo Machiavelli:

    “From this arises the question whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both: but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.”

  • March 26, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Zoe: As I said…You told your Boss what he needed To Know, which was relevant. The fact that your Cat has a toilet paper Fetish is Not.

    • March 26, 2011 at 7:21 pm

      She does? Darn. I’m always the last to know!


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