24 thoughts on “Natural-born Cougar: Sex and the ADHD Woman

  • July 26, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Just wanted to say good for you.

    Despite being ADHD, I suspect we are poles apart in some ways; that is what I love about ADHD, it does not define us as much as it makes us more individual. It’s like an amplifier for our personalities.

    Though I have to admit, there is a side of me that adores the hunt and the taste of new flesh, but my love for my partner keeps me in line.

    Reply
    • July 26, 2011 at 4:59 pm

      Hi Matt.
      Thank you so much for dropping by and sharing your thoughts. I truly do hope that, with my own (late) ADHD diagnosis, I can find a way to express my natural vitality and passion, and still experience the pleasures of a long-term relationship. Time will tell!

      One deep regret I have about my late diagnosis is that my symptoms were in the driver seat for so long, I’ve missed my chance at having kids. Very sad for me, but I suppose it wasn’t meant to be. I was too busy trying to bring myself up – and still have work to do! (although I’ll always have that ADHD child-like wonder and playfulness, and wouldn’t trade it for anything).

      Wish me luck!
      And thanks again for your comment.
      Cheers,
      Z.

      Reply
  • July 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    You have perfectly articulated what it has taken me YEARS to figure out and understand! And now I have come to a place of acceptance and like you ready to try out my farming skills.

    Reply
    • July 26, 2011 at 4:57 pm

      Hi Gigi.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog post, and for sharing your story. I’ve been thinking about writing about this for so long, but was a bit shy to articulate the story. Sexuality is such a personal thing, and before my ADHD diagnosis, I had such a difficult time accepting my expression of it. Such a double-bind, wanting to be loved and not being able to hang in there for the deepening and ripening of a relationship. Total inner conflict and turmoil for me! SO grateful for my ADHD diagnosis, and the chance to figure this all out.

      All the best to you, too! (and welcome to the Tribe here at ADHD from A to Zoë)
      Take care,
      Z.

      Reply
  • July 27, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Bipolar disorder can also cause people to become (hunters)….hypersexual if you will. Been there done that. Along with the exictment comes the risk of STD’s…..nut cases…stalkers and the like. Once diagnosed and on medication, I found it very satifying to be alone….with my own thought for awhile….actually several years. Being quiet, and not attempting to satisfy my “excitement urges” and my desire to still be worthy of anothers attention. I came to find myself and a life full of other possibilities outsid the sexual experience. Don’t misunderstand; I still love sex, but only want the kind of one on one experience that speaks of real commitment and trust. It is that which excites me. I am continually hunting my partner…the catch is just as great today as the first time almost 5 years ago. Good luck to all…..

    Reply
    • July 27, 2011 at 2:36 pm

      Wow, Mikie, thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story! I found it so helpful and encouraging. Isn’t it AMAZING what a diagnosis and treatment can do? THIS is why I’m puttin’ it out there…just think how many people can be helped just from us sharing here amongst ourselves.

      I’m having a down day, and reading your comment has already helped at least one person – me!
      Thank you, thank you, thank you, for taking the time to write.

      All the best to you (and everyone else dropping by ADHD from A to Zoë).
      Take care,
      Z.

      Reply
  • July 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    I feel like you wrote this from inside my own head. Wow! I never considered there might be such a simple psychological reason for why I am CONSTANTLY “hunting” new men, and why I end up with younger guys all the time… but am, deep down, seeking real love. I’m just too impatient to let it develop!

    Reply
    • July 27, 2011 at 4:12 pm

      Hi Bunneh.

      Thanks so much for dropping by and sharing your story. This blog post has been amazing. I can’t believe I waited so long to post it, and here I was thinking I was an anomaly. It’s so great that we’re all learning about this…hopefully we can all chanel our tendencies in other ways and find true, long-lasting love (if that’s what we’re going for!)

      All the best to you!
      Cheers,
      Z.

      Reply
  • July 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    “This role-reversal was uncommon. I didn’t know why I found it so distasteful to be sized up by these drooling, sloppy predators when other women didn’t seem to mind.”

    Possibilities:
    1. Some or all of those women didn’t mind.
    2. Some or all of them minded, but figured this was just par for the course when you’re a woman in a strongly misogynistic/patriarchal culture. Maybe they didn’t see an alternative or worried about the censure that women who rebel against this face (slut shaming, becoming an ‘old maid’)
    3. Some or all of them minded, but gave no indication out of fear for their safety. (I often fall into this category. I once started to walk away from a man who was asking intrusive questions and he grabbed me. I managed to get away okay, but it was terrifying. I now will keep my eyes lowered and just kind of half smile and try not to piss anyone off.)

    I think your post sort of touches on the broader issue of societal scripts for sexuality. And there really aren’t that many possibilities for women.

    Anyway, this has nothing to do with adhd and I could carry on at length, but my wrists/hands are screaming at me. So I’ll stop. I’m glad you shared though.

    PS hi!!

    Reply
    • July 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm

      Em, I’m so glad to hear from you, thank you (as always) so much for your thoughts. Great insights and valid points. I know I’m stating the obvious, but it’s so sad that even today, most of the women we know have been assaulted or in some way had their boundaries stomped on in this way (and lots of men, too). *sigh*

      Hope all is well with you, and thanks again for dropping by (& what’s up with the wrists? My maternal instincts are kicking in…I’ve been using voice-activated software for years, Dragon Naturally Speaking – it’s great. No way I could write my next book without it. I wonder if that would help? Anyway, take care of yourself!)
      Cheers,
      Z.

      Reply
  • July 31, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Sometimes I think we adhders (& other neurologically-interesting folks) by struggling to fit into the boxes we’re told to fit into just highlight how stupid those boxes are in the first place, you know?

    I had a bunch of finger subluxations & strained my wrists, hence being MIA lately. Thanks for the software rec. though–I’m dreading my next semester’s papers and that would help so much.

    Reply
    • July 31, 2011 at 8:15 pm

      Hi again, Em.

      Love your first point, and the expression, “neurologically interesting.” Divine. Boxes, schmoxes, agreed!

      Don’t dread your school work! Dragon is the answer, honest. It does take some training – you AND the program – but if you’re comfortable w/computers you’ll be fine.

      Z.

      Reply
  • September 14, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Em, ya hit the nail on the head. Cheers to being “outside the box”!

    Reply
  • December 13, 2011 at 7:17 am

    This is an awesome post. Linking ADHD to cougar-ism? Although I’m not so sure I totally agree with the entire article, the fact that someone even dared to write a post with such a lucrative connection is great. Way to go, author… well done. Perhaps depression has a turn in the mix as well…

    Reply
    • December 13, 2011 at 8:12 am

      Hi, um, “Magnet Generator” –
      I’m glad you enjoyed the post, but I don’t understand your reference to “lucrative connection.” I don’ t recall making any points at all that have anything to do with commerce. Could you please clarify?
      Thanks,
      Z.

      Reply
  • December 15, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    My husband is 29 yrs younger than I. We’ve been together for over 15 years. This article makes so much sense to me.

    Reply
    • December 15, 2011 at 4:48 pm

      Thanks for dropping by and sharing, Shawn!
      Z.

      Reply
  • January 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    My problem is my 18 year old who developed this behavior in her teens, not twenties! You described her perfectly. She has been diagnosed with adhd/dyslexia by more than one professional who “knows” adhd since age 10. (I happen to be a therapist and advocate, otherwise she would be probably diagnosed with Bipolar.)Unfortunately, the stakes are higher when you are younger and even less mature. When did this start for you? Did medication really help the impulsivity that much? You don’t have to give specifics, but was it a stimulant? Thanks~Kari

    Reply
    • January 3, 2012 at 5:28 pm

      Hi Kari.
      Thank you so much for your comment. I’m preparing my answer now; your comment and concerns deserve a thoughtful, detailed, and measured response. You wouldn’t believe how slow I am at writing (fast thinker / slow writer = lots of frustration!). I’ll have your response up some time tonight. In the meantime, I’m honoured that you’ve read my post; I’m glad it resonated; I’m sorry you’re worried about your daughter; and I’ll do everything I can to help or at least share more of my story in case that’s of any help.

      Back soon!
      Z.

      Reply
  • January 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    My thirteen year old son and I were both recently diagnosed with ADHD. I have been reading many of your older blog posts trying to catch up. I think your writing style is informative and entertaining at the same time.I even tabbed out long enough to check out the book you mentioned. I read most of the reviews. (OK ALL of the reviews. I tend to hyper-focus on products before I buy them.)I bought the book and look forward to reading it.

    Also as a side note. Reading all of these ADHD blogs of late has inspired me to start a blog of my own. My son and I are co-authoring ADHD: My Son and Me. We are just starting out and only have a couple of posts. (Posting the second a little later today. If I stop reading other people’s blogs long enough to edit today’s post.) It would be an honor if you decided to visit our site and maybe even leave a little feed back.

    Thank you for writing such a wonderful blog. I’m sure I’ll be mentioning A to Zoe in my own blog in the very near future. 🙂

    Reply
    • January 22, 2012 at 3:53 pm

      Dear Brandy:

      First, a hearty welcome to you and Drew as members of our tribe! As I’m sure you know, you’ll have lots of ups and downs along the way as you learn about your symptoms, what works and what doesn’t, and what the best treatment and approach is for each of you.

      I’m glad you’re finding my blog, and the blogs of other ADHDers helpful. I’m curious about which book you decided to buy, if you’d like to share that with us.

      I had a quick peek at your blog, it looks great. I’m very much looking forward to dropping by from time to time to read your posts and to see how your journeys are going.

      I did want to make one comment, so that others will be clear about how highly heritable ADHD is. When you write,

      “…we can offer a unique perspective on the disorder. Not only am I an adult with ADHD, I’m also the parent of a child coming to grips with the challenges he’s facing. Not only is Drew a young teenager suffering with the disorder, he’s also the child that has to deal with the quirks of an ADHD mom.”

      in fact, this is a very common situation. Perhaps it’s the norm. It’s because ADHD is so highly heritable, it’s very common that at least one parent has ADHD if a child is also diagnosed with it.

      What IS unique about your blog, and which I’m very excited about, is that both you and Drew are newly diagnosed, and from that starting point you’ll be sharing both of your perspectives with your readers as you move through your individual journeys. I also expect (and hope) that you’ll be sharing how your experiences interact with each other and the rest of your family. I haven’t seen this done before, and I think it’s an excellent and fresh idea. Congratulations!

      Z.

      Reply
  • January 22, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    @Zoe
    The book I bought was the one you mentioned in this post; ADD: A Different Perception.
    I wanted to say thanks for your input pertaining to our blog. I even went back and edited my original post to try and clarify my meaning.Also, Drew just posted his first ever blog article. He’s a little nervous about what people will say about his writing. I personally think he did great but I’m biased. Drew’s First Post

    Reply
    • January 22, 2012 at 7:27 pm

      Hi Brandy.

      Ah, Thom Hartmann’s book. Yes, it’s excellent. And you’re welcome about the feedback (the editor never sleeps, ha ha!)
      That’s exciting about Drew’s first post! Please say congratulations to him for me. I’ll try to drop by later this week and read it. I’m going crazy at the moment (if you’ll pardon the expression) working on a magazine article for ADDitude Magazine (due tomorrow); 5 book chapters (due soon); and a documentary (about women and ADHD). Phew!

      I don’t think I said it before, but I am wishing you well on your ADHD journey. My diagnosis was, in some ways, the best thing that happened to me; life finally makes sense. It’s been a huge challenge, but at least now I know what I’m dealing with. Good luck to you too!

      Cheers,
      Zoë

      Reply
    • January 22, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      Hi again Brandy.

      It sounds like you and Drew are reading a lot of material on ADHD. I wanted to mention that if you’re looking for more great books to read, I’ve reviewed some books and documentaries and recommend some on my website (http://www.chickadd.com). You can find the reviews here:

      Book & Product Reviews

      Take care,
      Z.

      Reply
 

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