12 thoughts on “ADHD and Being a Loner

  • January 18, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Ha! Another article I read and thought, wow, this stuff is good. I was convinced it was a man and therefor not you writing it before I check the author. Then I saw it was you. Another job well done 🙂

    I look forward to one day being invited to a dinner date with a flexible start time, haha.

    Alina K (that adhd coach in guelph)

    Reply
    • January 18, 2013 at 7:10 pm

      Hi Alina.

      Thanks for dropping by and commenting on my piece.

      You do realize that now I’m gonna have to psycho-analyze the he*l out of the fact that you thought it was a man who’d written it, right?!

      I’ll write a follow-up post if I come up with anything either insightful and/or entertaining.

      Have a great weekend!

      Cheers,
      Zoë

      Reply
  • January 18, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    Loved this, especially the part about avoiding the pain of a possible mistake. We hold ourselves to such high standards. Also liked to hear I am not the only one who needs some time alone to recharge…just regular family demands can leave an ADD person feeling drained, and exasperated

    Reply
    • January 19, 2013 at 12:04 am

      Hi Suzy.

      I know, eh? At the beginning of the week I felt so productive; Thursday, Friday: spinning my wheels again. Lost. Just. Lost.

      Glad you found me here; it’s a little less lonely.

      Have a great weekend.

      Z.

      Reply
  • January 22, 2013 at 7:55 am

    I find that being with people always makes me feel better no matter how anxious or down I feel. I especially appreciate my Community centre for that reason. When you radiate to a group of people you’ve known for a long time, a group that automatically ‘fits’, people that you know will be there when you walk into the building, to lift you with smiles and comfort, can be the best medicine in the world.

    Reply
    • January 23, 2013 at 8:53 pm

      Jane49,

      Thanks for the great reminder of how wonderful and validating a truly supportive group of people can be. And you’re right – smiles and comfort, and, I might add (for me anyway) warm hugs truly are great medicine!

      Here’s a big smile coming through cyber space to you!

      Take care,
      Zoë

      Reply
  • January 23, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Zoe, I related to *every word of this piece.* I have felt like a loner my whole life, even though I am basically friendly and can talk to almost anyone. All of the reasons you gave for not wanting to risk making a date to see someone resonated perfectly with me. I’ve done all of the same mental math hundreds, maybe thousands, of times, never even realizing that I was trying to avoid the embarrassment and distress of letting people down — again. Like you, I also need a fair bit of alone time in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed. But I realize that there are many times when I could be seeking out social contact but don’t, for all of the reasons you give. Thank you so much for taking the time to work this out for the benefit of everyone who is in this situation. It’s incredibly generous of you to do this work and share it with others.

    Reply
    • January 23, 2013 at 8:50 pm

      Hi Leedo!

      Thanks so much for dropping by and reading my post, and taking the time to share your thoughts. I feel very blessed that I have the privilege of sharing my insights with others. I find so much online and elsewhere about ADHD, but much of it is at a surface, basic level (which is fine, we need the basics as well, and I like to write about that too). My greatest joy is in delving deeper into the psyche, the reasons behind the behaviors, the feelings beneath the ADHD symptoms, and exploring how we got where we are as a result of our ADHD brains and experiences – and knowing this – asking how we might extricate ourselves from the clutches of secondary effects of ADHD?

      It’s so validating to hear that others share these more subtle, yet in some ways every bit as debilitating secondary effects of living with ADHD. Together, we can lighten the load for each other by simply saying, “I see you.” I think those three words, when they’re delivered with heartfelt sincerity and shared understanding can be nearly as powerful as those other three words we long to hear, “I love you.” I love that others “see” me as I am; accept me as I am; and share some of the same experiences as me. I think this sharing makes us all feel a little less alone in the world, so thank you, on behalf of me, and anyone else who is reading this and breathing a sigh of relief as they too feel “seen.”

      Warmly,
      Zoë

      Reply
  • January 25, 2013 at 9:04 am

    What you described resonated with me as well. As with everyone, there are some variations, but with the same outcome – avoidance – first of all – of making a decision to make a plan which requires contacting someone in advance. And last, feeling more isolated, possibly feeding into a tendency toward depression, or seeing this as some sort of “proof” that you are “unlovable” rather than as a simple consequence of not reaching out when you could have. In a bad joke scenario, I had a friend become upset with me for not calling her ….when i was “simply” in a bad state — but she interpreted my avoidance as a rejection of her — It made me realize that I have no idea how many others might be feeling the same way and that my avoidance might be explained, but that it was also a bit narcissistic (not in a diagnostic way)to see the world this way. Still, making that effort will always be something that I remind myself to do, not as spontaneous as I would like.
    Luckily, I have a couple of friends who will email or call to remind me that I have “disappeared” for a bit too long.

    Reply
    • January 25, 2013 at 11:01 am

      Hi oldblackdog.

      Thanks for weighing in and sharing your experiences. I agree – having one or two great friends who “get” you and will demonstrate the lovingkindness you describe can be essential. I’d even go so far as to say that truly ADHD-friendly best buds can be part of a wholistic approach to ADHD treatment (not to objectify friendships; I mean that sort of tongue-in-cheek, but there is some truth to it.)

      In fact, I’ve written about the benefit of healthy and supportive friendships for ADDitude Magazine. If you’re interested, you can find that piece here: Friends: A Natural Treatment for Adult ADHD.

      Take care,
      Zoë

      Reply
  • January 28, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    Hi Zoe,
    I just discovered this site and am really pleased to see others with ADD/HSP. I found other forums for ADD/ADHD and was disappointed with the many frivolous threads like “What’s the stupidist thing you’ve done because of ADHD”, “What’s the funniest thing have you lost or misplaced recently” etc. ad nauseum. I know that it does help lots of people to cope with humor but as I am an extreme introvert, I need to learn the serious coping mechanisms that this site is giving me. Thanks so much for writing about “our world” and solid suggestions for adapting to everyone else’s world out there. Lord knows, I could use every idea put forward! 🙂
    Keep up the good work, you are helping.

    Reply
    • February 2, 2013 at 10:25 am

      Dear KrismarDenver:

      First, I am SO sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you; many large projects are coming to conclusion (yup; I’m actually finishing things! It feels great!).

      But back to you: I am so grateful that you took the time to drop by and to leave your thoughts. I will say, though, that sometimes I too am inclined to write something on the “frivolous” side, with hopefully some good humor in it. On the other hand, I think that well-written humor can be the best vehicle to teach and share information with others. You know, it’s that old, spoonful of sugar helping the information go down, or something like that.

      As for practical suggestions about being an HSP, I do hope you’ll check out Aron’s book if you haven’t already. I’d also recommend her online newsletters (Comfort Zone), I’ve found them to be terrific: informative, helpful, and covering a lot of topics (she’s been at it for years and continues her research and adding to the depth of knowledge about those of us who are highly sensitive.

      I’m glad you’ve found this post helpful, and hope you’ll continue to drop by and share with us in the future.

      All the best,
      Zoë

      Reply
 

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