An ADHDer Fantasizes About Using "Normal" Shampoo

An ADHDer Fantasizes About Using “Normal” Shampoo…for once

Having ADHD, it strikes me as funny that I can buy a shampoo for “normal” hair.

What if I used this shampoo? Would my hair – if nothing else – be normal? And would this even be desirable?

Once I noticed the double entendre inherent in a shampoo for the normal, I started to see all kinds of amusing labels on grooming products.

Why, for example, would my hair conditioner have a “Philosophy”? I have no idea, but apparently, it does. And a vision. These are printed on the side of the bottle. I know plenty of people who have neither. How can it be so important for my hair products?

And what if my “fortifying” shampoo really did fortify me? Literally? As I lathered up, I would feel the fortification taking hold…

Fortify: b : to give physical strength, courage, or endurance to : invigorate <fortified himself with a glass of wine> c : to add mental or moral strength to : encourage

~ excerpt from Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary

That sounds pretty good, especially c : to add mental or moral strength. Ok, and the wine part. The wine part sounds good too. I could throw away my stimulant meds and just wash my hair! Why can’t my shampoo deliver all that?

In my bathroom closet I have “Moisture Therapy” from Avon. Therapy. Right there in a bottle. The moisture part must mean that there’ll be crying. That’s good, right? Releasing emotions. If only it were that easy…open the cupboard door, press the pump and rub some Moisture Therapy into my dry hands and I’m good to go: soft hands, soft heart. And definitely cheaper than an hour at the shrink.

The Therapeutic Cracked Heel Relief Cream, also from Avon, speaks for itself. It’s for others. I just have to figure out how to get the cracked heels in my life to use it.

My blow dryer could be helpful too.

Mine has a “press here to retract” button.

If only.

Also on my blow dryer, I can choose the “cool” setting. For once in my life, I can see what it’s like to be cool. Having ADHD has not lent itself to that experience.

In fact, I did try this setting once. To my disappointment, not only did it not work, but it didn’t dry my hair either.

When I complained of this to a friend (who’s not a heel), she suggested I try the “hot” setting.

“That’s the one I’ve been using,” I said.

Obviously.

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