Egads! Whose idea was it to give ADHD girl Google Analytics (GA)? Like, do I really need to know where all my blog visitors come from? Do you have any idea how much time I can waste scrutinizing the minutiae, analysing statistics, and enjoying the pretty colors of the pie charts? Wait, that makes it sound too academic. That stuff’s important to me, but it’s only a small part of the seduction of Google Analytics to an ADHD mind.

Here’s a window into the workings of how we ADHDers can get sucked into la-la land in one nanosecond if we’re not vigilant and/or have forgotten to take our meds. Ready?  Here we go:

Zoë logs in. Zoë clicks on “view report” in anticipation. How many countries will be listed today?

Whoopee! 22 countries, and GA’s only been tracking my blog stats for a week.

Visitors from India

Zoë thinks: I hope it’s not a techie. Oh god, I’m stereotyping. I’m a bad person. Okay, if it is a techie, it’s fine. But I hope they’re not working on the site. I hope they’re reading my post. But not during work hours, of course. If you’re reading it during work hours, thank you for reading, but you might want to wait until you go home.

Visitors from Finland

What do I know about Finland? I think there’s a vodka named Finlandia or something. Wait a minute … vodka’s from Russia. Note to self: must do more marketing in Russia. Oh wait… it’s Norway, not Finland. What do I know about Norway? Absolutely nothing. That’s scary. If they’re reading my posts they sure know a lot about me. Note to self: find and read a Norwegian’s blog post…

Visitors from United States

Most of the U.S. readers are from California. No surprise there. Update: Today New York took the lead, mostly from New York, NY. That also makes sense. After all, actors, comedians, writers, entertainers of all stripes — they’re my people! And surfers, I guess. As far as I’m concerned, extreme sports is the adult equivalent to the DSM’s “runs excessively and climbs trees” diagnostic for kids. Surf’s up!

Visitors from Germany

Zoë pushes the Berlin wall

Zoë pushes the Berlin wall five months before it comes down.

Berlin — I’ve got relatives in what used to be called West Berlin. I got a chance to visit East Berlin, five months before the Belin Wall came down. At first, everybody was wondering why the Wall came down. I can tell you why — I pushed. As hard as I could. Five months later, bang! (Hey, it’s a big wall. It took a while for the ripple effect to take hold. If you want proof have a look at the photo on the left.)

Visitors from England

There seems to be a huge online presence of ADHDers from England, which kinda makes sense. It’s a small island, after all. (I’m not implying that ADD is contagious, but it is, you know, genetic. Was that unsavory? I don’t mean to be unsavory, but I do, after all, live in rural Ontario where there are about five surnames that just repeat.) On the other hand, it kinda surprises me. We Canadians have a huge connection with the British considering our mutual head of state is their Queen. But time has frozen our image of “the Brits,” so we still have some antiquated ideas like — how do you guys manage to be all prim & proper and stuff if so many of you have ADD? Wait a minute, I get it. The Brit boys with ADHD were acting up so badly, they went to prison, and then were shipped off to found Canada (the second Canada, that is; the first one was already well-established by First Nations peoples). Thus the gene pool for ADHD in Canada is actually the Atlantic.

Visitors from Japan

Yay! Japan! Whoopee! 22 countries now. Osaka and  Shibuya have joined the fray. Goodie. Shibuya? Where the hell is Shibuya? Oh ya, it’s right there — on the map. I’m actually learning my geography, finally! So I Google Shibuya. Find out it’s one of the fashion centers of Japan, described as the “trendy and fashionable shopping district of Tokyo.” Oh God help me, I hope they don’t find me on Facebook. I’ll lose my audience. I’m more like early army surplus. Yikes. Maybe I can get away with that ‘cause I’m Canadian. Worked for Avril Lavigne

See how much I’m learning from blogging?  This is incredible.

Visitors from Mexico

Monterrey. Cancun. Damn them: North American tourists lying on the beach drinking margaritas, taunting me, poor poverty-stricken blogger stuck here on the frozen Canadian tundra. Ok, it was 18 degrees Celsius yesterday (that’s almost 65 degrees for you Fahrenheit cats) and the daffodils are up about seven inches, but hey, I get to complain if I want. I’m feeling cranky today. Leave the ADHD at home, ok? What? What’s that? You can’t leave it behind? Oh god, now I’m really depressed … (not clinically depressed, mind you, I have to be careful what I say on a psychology website, but you know what I mean … bummed …)

So that’s a tour around the world … I mean, around my ADHD brain and how far it can lead me astray.

Before I go, I want to say thanks for visiting my blog. It really cheers me up ‘cause I’ve been feeling kind of lonely lately, after an especially heinous breakup. I mean, it’s not like you guys are calling and saying, “Hey, Zoë, are you okay?” Of course, if you were calling me it would be a little creepy, considering you don’t really know me, but still. Makes me feel like we’re all in it together. You know, world citizens. I wish peace for everybody around the world. And for those of you who are still fighting each other — cut it out. You don’t want to be sent to your room do you? Trust me, that’s where I spent about three quarters of my childhood, and it ain’t fun. So just knock it off, okay?

Hey! What time is it? See? I told you. I gotta go …

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