I love being busy, love having lots to do.
But I hate when I need things to be done in less time than I have to do them in.
I hate letting people down.
Even when they aren’t paying attention.
Not paying attention?
That’s probably the wrong way to say that. More like when I’m trying to do things in a more scheduled way than I’m required to do.
Like this blog, where I’m required to post an average of three posts a week but I like to post on certain days because if I go off my rigid schedule I’m likely to fall behind.
But that’s just one of my jobs.
Way back in the old days …
I used to be an independent computer technician. I ran my own company. I knew my way through your Windows registry well enough to be able to fix things, and could find my way through your hardware well enough to know what needed replacing and what could be upgraded.
There were times when I would end up with two or three systems on my bench that all required my attention and all of them needed to be done the next day, and I would have put them off thinking I had lots of time.
I have fond memories of working through the night, finishing up jobs at three and four in the morning, getting four or so hours of sleep and getting up to work some more.
Back then I could do that and be okay. I was tough and wiry and dumb enough to think it didn’t hurt me.
Now a days even my phone tells me I need more sleep. It’s smarter than me.
So what gets sacrificed now?
Fewer things. I go without cleaning the house when I’m in a time crunch. I’ll go an extra day without showering, especially if I’m not going out anywhere.
I’ll let the laundry build up. I’ll simplify meals so they don’t take as long.
And I get help
Yesterday I ran into trouble with my radio show recording. My other online job took a hit, but I’ll catch up today I hope. I was also supposed to take the dragon boat I look after to its winter storage area, that didn’t happen.
And yesterday my partner came home from her full time job and found me still unable to do anything else because I was working on the show. She’s a trooper, she whipped up the supper I should have had ready and put it on the table and then waited for me to take a break.
I’d like to think I’m as good at picking up the slack when things get rough for her, but I worry that I’m the one that causes the problems more than I am the one who solves them.
I will still and always …
When ever I fall behind, I will always sacrifice my own personal time and care to try to keep up, it is, after all, my inability to manage time or even understand it well that results in these situations.
And I’ve resolved myself to the idea that I will never catch up, I’ll only sacrifice and get closer to caught up. And knowing that makes things a little easier to accept.
I am willing to work, and willing to surrender my own comfort in order to keep things moving in a forward direction.
So yes, there’s time for me, and I will spend it in my own way, but don’t be surprised if the way I spend it is to keep up and satisfy my obligations.
That’s what keeps my stress levels down and that’s what keeps my anxiety in check.