I go and I do not stop.
And I know why.
I, have ADHD.
I know that doesn’t explain it, that’s the reason but not the description of the mechanics of it.
I have to note that i have combined type ADHD, Inattentive/Hyperactive. And it’s that H chromosome, the Hyperactive part that makes me go and go and go.
And the inattentive part doesn’t help. That may require some explaining though.
Like so many aspects of the naming and labeling of ADHD, Inattentive does not describe our attention. Nor does the term Attention Deficit.
We do not have a deficit of attention, we have a deficit of attention control. We are not inattentive so much as we are attending to multiple things in rapid succession.
We actually have a focus deficit.
Ha, right, that’s where we were. Because we are inattentive we often skip from one activity to another. That is to say, because we are unable to maintain the focus of our attention on something beyond the point of understanding it, we will, once we become satisfied with our attention to that thing, shift to something that is more interesting and we will then engage, often physically with that.
The hyperactive part forces us to participate in the thing we are focused on, the inattentive part makes us switch from thing to thing.
And the more tired we are, the less control we have on our focus.
Do you see the circle?
Many things in ADHD are cyclical. And this is one of those things.
We do, we get tired. Once tired, we’re stressed. Once stressed, our symptoms increase. Once we become more inattentive, we start skipping from thing to thing more rapidly. Once we start bouncing from activity to activity we increase the speed at which we tire, increasing our stress, increasing our symptoms, increasing our inattention, increasing our activity, increasing the speed at which we tire …
I don’t even remember …
What I was doing on Thursday in the daytime I can’t recall. But I was exhausted by mid afternoon. The week had been full and things had been getting done.
Thursday night I went to a live show. I was already tired, but I couldn’t leave. We got home around 11:30 and I managed to fall asleep by midnight.
Good thing too, since I had to be up by 5:15 and on the road for 6AM. Then I drove 250 miles, during which I had an appointment and then spent three hours working. I wound up at the local café where I hosted an open mic for two hours and then finally made it home twelve and a half hours after I left. I was home long enough to change and then I headed out to the club to curl.
I should have quit!
I should have let my team play short handed, but I love to curl.
I’ve lived with myself and my ways for 60 years now. It’s a point of honor for me that I do not give in.
Between the arthritis and the exhaustion and the increased ADHD symptoms I was a wreck by the time I crawled into bed last night.
I should have quit … but I, I never stop.
Not until I drop.