I just read a post online about how some of us (maybe all of us) have conversations in our heads that get really dramatic.
And then someone will notice that we’re making facial expressions.
And they are big and bold.
Well, that’s part of my life.
And it’s hard to explain. Sometimes the conversations are horribly personal and the last person you want to share them with is the person who’s asking about your facial expressions.
And worse than that is when the person you don’t want to explain the conversation to is the person you’re positive you’d share anything with, the person you believe is your soul mate.
How does that happen?
Well, that’s a good question. It mostly happens when I start thinking about worst case scenarios and then I start rehearsing what might happen and then things go from bad to worse in my head and somehow I’m now in a situation where I have to explain how these bad things got into my mind and I don’t really want to because they didn’t happen and they aren’t real and I just want to wake up now.
It turns out there are things that I don’t want to share with my significant other, but it’s only because they are not real and they’re horror show awful.
To make matters worse …
There are times when I let my guard down and the “in-head” rehearsals become full on dress rehearsals with blocking and out loud conversation because I’m alone in the room.
And then, someone walks into the room.
Hand gestures are a thing
I could maybe explain moving around the room. I could maybe say I was rehearsing a conversation I was going to have with one of my bosses.
But how do I explain going through the motions of reeling in a fish or hanging out laundry?
How do I explain beating the living daylights out of some attacker … especially since I’m a pacifist.
In my mind …
Because I have ADHD a lot of things go on in my mind. As I’ve said before, I rehearse things I’m going to do and say, and I replay things that I’ve done already, things I did well, and more especially things that could have gone better.
And I invest myself totally in these rehearsals and replays. Totally and completely.
And they never seem silly … they seem to be perfectly logical and completely the thing to be doing.
Ha! Until I’m caught.
And then I’m embarrassed.
And then I do what anyone with ADHD would do.
I start to rehearse not doing that sort of thing any more.
Can’t. Even. Win.