When you have ADHD, you have busyness all the time.
And I know busyness.
And I know ADHD.
And I know that it is both my blessing to be busy all the time, and my downfall.
When I’m not well …
When I’m sick, I hate not being able to keep busy.
Recently I’ve been having breathing issues. I’ve been feeling like I can’t breath deeply enough, and like I don’t have the energy to.
Physical energy that is.
Mental energy I still have.
In fact, that’s where a big part of my problem lies.
My problem is
My mind is full of energy, but a big part of what it does is to think up things I could be doing. Multiple things. Conflicting things. Mutually exclusive things.
And when I’m not well, my body says, “No!”
Well, sometimes it says, ” … okay, fine.” and I do the things and then I regret it because it does me no physical good. Sometimes it even does me harm.
Don’t get me wrong, now
I love being busy. I hate being not busy. I love that I do not know what it is like to have nothing to do.
And quite frankly, I love that I will get up from my sick bed and do things while people who care about me tell me to lie down and look after myself and that they would do for me whatever I need done.
And it is usually only in health that I am able to formulate into words the concept that what I need done is to be busy.
I also love this …
I love that people worry about me and care for me.
But it does bother me that I have to be taken care of sometimes.
And that just adds pressure to my need to be busy.
I admit it
I will admit that I am getting better at being mentally busy while I let my body heal, but as I get older, I’m also spending some of my mental “busy” time worrying about my needing to heal more and more.
I guess this is what getting older is about, and I suppose I have no choice but to accept it.
But I sure as hell don’t have to like it, do I?
And as I look to the future …
I see myself lying in bed, portable temporary wiring trailer light sets (it’s a thing, don’t ask) or doing IT work and writing in my pajamas.
And I see myself relinquishing dreams I’ve had for years.
Though I’ve already given up on a few of those.
Lost dreams like …
I no longer feel that it’s feasible for me to harbor a desire to ride across the country … or even across the county these days.
I am pretty sure I’m not going to take up competitive swimming in this life, or competitive running, or competitive tennis, hockey, golf, lawn mowing …
I’m also thinking that I am less likely to build my own off the grid, self sustaining, carbon neutral, natural material house if I don’t start really soon.
But I’m pretty sure I’ll stay busy for the rest of my life, even if it’s just busy thinking of all the things I never got around to doing.