Having ADHD is often a kind of blurry rush through life, like I’m on autopilot.
And as long as everything is going okay, or at least not exploding with the force of the birth of a star, I just let it slide by.
Yes, it is true that since being diagnosed I have acquired some mechanisms by which I am enjoying my life much more than I had been. And yes, I am more aware of what is happening, but part of that awareness comes in small moments that are few and far between.
Once a year …
Every year there comes a time when the first snow starts to fall.
When that time comes, I am forced to realize that I am not going to get the lawn cut that one last time that I wanted to.
When that realization occurs, I am suddenly wide awake and looking at a list of things that I’ve wanted to accomplish since spring.
Some of the things I wanted to do got done, but they have no significance now, they’re done.
But I was going to attach bungees to the kayaks so we could carry gear with us when we paddled. I was going to work on the bunkie, rearrange it so that it would double as a change room.
I was going to dig a pond in the back yard!
I was going to ride!
That’s right, I was going to get the motorcycle out and tune it up, register it and insure it and go for a few nice long rides.
There were places
Yes, there were places I wanted to go to, summer places I wanted to share with my partner. That didn’t happen.
And there were things I wanted to do more of. I wanted to start golfing regularly. I wanted to spend more time at the cottage.
And on the responsible side …
I wanted to finish cleaning out the garage so we could use it this winter. I wanted to update my will. I wanted to pressure wash the driveway, weed the gardens and reorganize the garden shed.
Now I’m sitting here watching the snow fall.
And as it settles quietly
As the snow turns the ground white, as it covers over the things that I wanted to get done, I feel a certain kind of release.
I realize that I now have three months at least to decide whether all those things are really worth doing.
It’s like meditating
Watching the snow fall is a wonderful way to be in the moment.
And I have at least three months to prioritize stuff before the list becomes my burden again.
And I have three months to relax in the calm of knowing that all those things that needed doing can just wait under that blanket of snow.
Except …. I suppose I can still update my will, right?