mmmyeah, sorry?

I was told, shortly after I figured out that I might have ADHD, that I was letting it take over my life.

I kind of laughed out loud, long, and hard over that.

My life had been ADHD before I figured it out. At least I was pretty sure it had, once I’d understood what ADHD was.

And later on, when I’d been diagnosed, the emotions that flooded over me were undeniably overwhelming.

What’s so funny?

What had I been laughing about when I’d heard that statement? I wasn’t letting anything take over my life … I was suddenly aware that something I hadn’t recognized as even being a thing had been running my life all along.

But those words follow me still, “You’re letting ADHD take over your life.”

Am I?

I mean, I know what she meant when she said it. For a long time after I found out I had ADHD I would stop and analyze everything I did, everything I thought, and try to deduce whether it was done because of my ADHD, or if it were unsuccessful because of my ADHD, or if I would be someone else doing something different if it wasn’t for the damned ADHD!!!

So, not only did I have ADHD, but I was hyper aware of the fact and still trying to figure out the ramifications and alternative abilities and incapacities that went along with that.

And to this day …

Not a day goes by that I don’t contemplate my life with this insidious disorder and its unique and individual situations that it constantly thrusts upon me.

But I’ve long since realized that I have always and will always live just this one life and the biggest challenge is accepting it.

And part of that acceptance of knowing I have this disorder is accepting that I will constantly be working on coping.

And coping requires …

And in order to cope, I need to know both what I have to deal with and what tools are at my disposal.

And the best way for someone who has been living in the neuro-typical world for fifty years to understand these things is to be constantly looking at what they thought was reality and understanding how their life differs from that reality through comparison and deduction and application and trial and error with the knowledge that they have ADHD being uppermost in their mind constantly.

And am I sorry?

I’m sorry that I have to deal with this stuff without having the benefit of being understood.

But I would not want any other life than the one I have. I would not want any other mind than the one I have.

And if the mind is the animated virtual manifestation of the brain, then yes, I would not want any other brain than this one, this erroneously developed frontal lobe challenged, misfiring, loose wired sparking snapping and unregulated old brain that has served me well given it’s uniquenesses and peculiarities.

So I’d like to say that I’m sorry that the world has to deal with me and my funky ways. I’d like to, but I can’t. I can’t because I’m not sorry, not sorry at all.