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I Am Found

home planet
Welcome home

There was a time in my life when I was lost. I’m not talking about religion here. I’m talking about life.

I was unsure of myself, and with good reason. I seemed to be on the wrong planet.

I felt certain that I was in the wrong place because I didn’t fit in. I didn’t match the other people in my world. They didn’t behave the way I did, didn’t think the same, didn’t act the same, didn’t talk the same … nor nearly as much as I.

Things I needed …

I needed a map, but I needed a map that would lead me back to my home planet. Also, a space ship.

Failing that, I needed to know how I was different, why I was different, and how to not be different.

A working theory

In my early teens I developed the theory that maybe everyone was different, everyone felt this way, and most everyone knew this so they mostly had moved on long ago.

I decided to withdraw from the world as much as I could and study earthlings to see if I could mimic them.

It worked!!! … sort of

I had some success with this approach, enough that I continued. The things I learned in concert with the coping mechanisms my mother and grandmother had taught me seemed to make my life much better, though I also by this time was clinging to the withdrawal model of life and self medicating heavily with alcohol.

It worked like this, I would involve myself as much as I needed to with the world, behave in ways I had learned and been taught, and when I blew it socially I would retreat to the hermitage in my mind and anesthetize myself from my millefiori thoughts with rum if I could afford it or steal it, or beer if that was all that was available.

Eventually …

I finally came to the realization that I needed to leave the anesthetizing out of my life. It took a few years to figure out that I had to quit it altogether, that I could not just reduce the dosage. I was a drunk.

But when I got to the sober side, I was still no farther ahead in knowing what I was or who I was. I was still on the wrong planet.

Years of wandering …

It took me what is likely more than half of my life to discover that I had ADHD. I wasn’t aware until I was forty-nine what ADHD was and I wasn’t diagnosed until I was fifty.

And then I started learning about my disorder. But knowing why I was different didn’t really make me feel like I was home. I was still on the wrong planet.

My space ship arrives

And then, I found my people … online. It turns out my spaceship to my home planet was social media and its wonderful ability to allow “like-minded” people to form groups and to associate, socialize, live together.

And now that I have my communities of people like me, my home planet if you will, I like other persons like me, am reengaging with this planet, knowing I am home, and that coping is all I’ve ever needed, coping and the whole picture.

Welcome to my planet.

I Am Found

Kelly Babcock

I was born in the city of Toronto in 1959, but moved when I was in my fourth year of life. I was raised and educated in a rural setting, growing up in a manner I like to refer to as free range. I live in an area where my family history stretches back 6 or more generations. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 50 and have been both struggling with the new reality and using my discoveries to make my life better. I write two blogs here at Psych Central, one about having ADHD and one that is a daily positive affirmation that acts as an example of finding the good in as much of my life as I possibly can.

Find out more about me on my website: writeofway.

email me at ADHD Man


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APA Reference
Babcock, K. (2018). I Am Found. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 15, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/adhd-man/2018/01/i-am-found/

 

Last updated: 17 Jan 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 17 Jan 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.