knobs

Cranked up past ten …

I’m not sure how prevalent that bit of slang is. I’ve only heard a couple of Newfoundlanders use it. It means turned up so high or fast that it can’t help but break down. Like running an outboard motor at full throttle until it gives up and goes home without you, as they say.

Locally I’ve heard the phrase “Turned up to eleven.” That pretty much means the same thing, most dials have off and then one to ten, so turning it up to eleven would suppose a speed or intensity beyond the control’s ability to cause, or essentially beyond control.

I bring this up because I’ve been trying to be more aware of my actions and moods and … well, my overall intensity lately.

And how’s that going?

Well, it’s going okay, if all I want to do is be aware of my intensity. And I guess that I should also say that it isn’t going okay all the time.

If I’m not too intense, not really “stoked” as I like to say, I never think to take my intensity into account.

Gauging intensity all the time

If I don’t “check my intensity dipstick,” so to speak, how do I note what is happening and align that with how intense I am? That is to say, if I only notice my intensity when it’s “up on bust,” then how do I figure out how to keep it under control?

In fact, how do I figure out if I can even attempt to control it?

What I’ve found is …

The thing I’ve figured out is that when I’m wired up, “stoked” that is, I have little idea of how I got there.

But from what little I can deduce, it usually follows a prolonged period of induced calm or boredom, then a release from that.

For instance, I’ve noticed …

It seems to be more likely that I am turned up to eleven if I’ve been waiting for someone to arrive and they’ve been held up.

It’s no ones fault. It can’t be helped. It just is what it is, and I am what I am.

So what am I …

… supposed to do about that I mean I’m not really being a problem I’ll talk fast and I’ll overwhelm whoever is in my space because I’m wound up like a spring and ready to be released and I know that could be dangerous so it’s best if I just let it go slowly like air from a balloon so I talk fast and bounce from topic to topic and eventually I’ll realize how intense I am being and ….

And that’s when I try to slow down

And I think I manage all right. It’s a good thing if it helps me at that point.

But I’m still hoping to figure out the best ways to deal with my uncontrolled intensity so that I never get to that point.

The plan …

I mean, I really want to live in this world with people and not have to be alone and separated from everyone else.

And it would be best, i think, if we could all live at a four or a five, not everyone else at two while I’m up on bust.