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The burden of guilt

I am guilty of having ADHD. But more than that, I feel guilty about having ADHD.

I feel guilty about bringing in to every relationship I have, the burden of this disorder.

I feel guilty about bringing that same burden to work when I go.

My ADHD is a heavy load to carry, when it weighs on me as guilt.

Shoulder to the wheel

And these last eight years have been hard in ways I never expected in my life. These last eight years have been the ones since my diagnosis was “handed down” to me.

And since that diagnosis was delivered, I’ve been working at living a better life.

There’s no cure …

Right. There is no cure. But there are ways of living that minimize the detriment caused and accentuate the potential positives of a racing and agile mind.

There are things we can do to harness that speed of thought. And there are things we can do to make up for the short fall in focus control and executive function.

We are each individuals

There are plenty of posts in many blogs, and quite a few here in my own, that offer tips and tricks and advice on how to deal with different aspects of your ADHD.

But the truth is that we are all individuals. And if some of these tips and hacks work for you, then great, but they won’t all work, because we are all individuals.

Back to the guilt

Ah yes. The guilt. I do feel it. But the truth is that I and my ADHD are available for assessment. Anyone who wants to be friends with me or to hire me to work for them can take me into consideration and judge accordingly.

Much of the work I do is on a short term, contract basis. And I am an open book for them to examine. Those of us with ADHD can be like that. Our quirks are often more apparent to others than to ourselves.

Time for a change?

Lately I’ve been happier about myself and my abilities. I’m good with where I am, and I’m happy about who I am.

And I’ve found myself thinking more and more about what ADHD does to my work and social and personal relationships.

And so I carry this burden …

Well, I did, carried it since I realized it was there. Longer really, I’ve carried it all my life, most of that without realizing what it was.

But lately I’ve been seeing that the journey of life is not a long straight line, and we just keep circling around our friends and family.

Why carry everything all the time?

So I’ve put down the guilt. Left it by the front door with my raincoat and umbrella, my snowshoes, my swimsuit, my bicycle helmet.

And every now and then, as I’m heading out the door, I pick it up, heft it, gauge its weight. And you know, I think it’s getting lighter.

I still have ADHD …

True story. I do still have ADHD. I always will. But if that’s true, and if I can’t cure it or change it, it isn’t my fault.

So why should I feel guilty? I disclose it to any whom I feel should know of it, and let the rest see who I am for themselves.

And if I am any judge of myself, what they are seeing these days is a happy, adjusted, and reasonably confident man, with a burden lying just inside his front door, a burden that he occasionally picks up and examines, but rarely carries with him any more.