porridge

This is my brain on ADHD …

There are two things that impact on my brain at the same time. Two opposing forces, if you will.

One of them is the driving urge to be doing something all the time. I love being busy.

And that is not a bad thing. Being busy is good. I get lots done.

But the other thing that impacts on my brain is this, I hate being …

Bored

Yep. I hate it. Can’t stand it. It drives me to distraction. Actually, literally, constantly and for real, it takes me far away from things that need to be done and shows me things that are fun to be done.

And sometimes I’m proof against distraction. Sometimes I’m all, “Ahhh, I see what you’re trying to do there, Kelly boy, and it won’t work.”

Sometimes?

Yes. Sometimes. Not all the time. Not even half the time, if I’m being honest with you and myself.

Other times I’m lost and gone and at the end of the day all I can say is, “Oh, the days over? Already? And what was I supposed to be doing? And what did I actually do? …. Ouch!”

But not all days are like that, either

No, they are not. In fact the days when distraction wins and the days when distraction loses do not, together, make up half of my days. Probably not even a quarter of them.

Most of my days are spent in a flux, caught between the two extremes, running on a treadmill whose belt is a never ending and seamless loop of focus for a moment, get distracted, realize what has happened and return to focusing. The loop may be as short as five or ten seconds and it can repeat itself many times in a minute.

And what happens?

Wow. Not as much as should happen. There is a dulling effect with the constant reminder that I am unable to focus and a sense of déjà-vu that repeats itself in a nauseating way. I mean, déjà-vu over and over and over is really unbelievably difficult to endure. There is porridge in my skull. My brain is thick and stodgy.

So I end up spending some days in mind numbing spin class where my brain is the stationary bike and my day is spent with my mind pedalling around and my view never changing as a result of the exertion I’m putting into it.

Pretty gruelling life, eh?

Whoa, bad pun. Sorry. But don’t get me wrong, not all my days are like that. Those are the worst of them. In fact, fewer of my days are like that than focused or completely gone.

The bulk of my days are spent focusing on something for a while and either getting distracted after a time and then catching myself and getting back to work, or realizing that I’m going to get distracted and taking a break that is limited before getting back at it.

And that works?

Admittedly, I could get more done if I could focus all day long. If I didn’t have to take more breaks than others, if I didn’t get distracted, I could be the king of “getting it done.”

But on those days when I am able to focus for a while and can recognize when I need a break, I am happy with what gets done. Those are good days.

And we all need good days, don’t we?